Wednesday again
One thing I learned this week, is that when you have the impulse to write: You get the fuck up and you write.
I am known for my daydreams. At times the daydreams seem so real, I lose myself in them for a second. My mind is simply more interesting than the real world. There is more possibilities up there. I can talk to a bunch of people up there.
At times I like to imagine that they hear me too. That when I think of someone that automatically means, they think of me too. Must be that limerence everybody keeps running their mouths about.
So, we went to Rocky Horror picture show on Thursday and it was genuinely amazing. Might have been the best thing that I have seen in a long time. I dare you not to watch it, you will miss a humongous part of societal history if you have never seen it. I don`t even know how to begin to tell you that it indeed did change my view on the world and on loving yourself. Not just the shiny part of you. The naked version of you, all the parts of you. Also, the parts of you, you wanted to hide. You are meant to see them and to transform them.
Speaking of coherence, you must understand that your life is a constant quest seeking. Mini Quests and big quests keep on popping up.
Incoming, yet another Friday.
Starting out with work, when the sunshine was louder than the phone I left the office. Happily, on my way home as fast as I could. I had an appointment, and I had to rush home, to get my nieces birthday present and to my appointment in time.
So fast, so good I got all the quests in and accomplished them by the hour. Clock on the dot my sister texted me and I rushed home, with a couple of stops in between. I for some reason I stranded in Vaihingen. There was something I wanted to get, or the bus was late, and I had some time to kill or I wanted to smoke, could have been anything, really.
Stumbling up the park, which I sincerely love especially in the spring when all the flowers come out the way they do, and the sun is shining in your face. So, you must smile. Incoming one good drink, a joint and I had everything I needed just right there and then on the bench with my face in the sun.
Music in my right ear.
Lost my left earpod. Again. Now I have two different kinds of airpods that don`t fit together but only one of both of them. So I have two in total but they both don`t really work. Which is kind of nice because I can still keep on listening to some song while life goes on. It helps me not being that anxious.
Anyways, got some flowers, got a coffee, got back to the bus, went to my family, celebrated my niece’s birthday, realized that men only get weird beards when they are in a happy relationship, went home, played some piano, sang a weird song, fell asleep and incoming
Saturday.
Saturday.
And the Hüpfburg.
Incoming.
The Hüpfburg.
Do you want to know something about me? Kids love me. Somehow kids and me we are the best of friends. We get along well; we want to do the same stuff and we want to talk about the same things.
Like yes, please do tell me at what age dinosaurs stop growing. I am actually genuinely interested in why farts smell the way they fart. Thank you I do want to climb up on that big castle there in the middle of the sand pit. Actually, that sounds like the best idea ever and I wonder-
Why did we ever stop doing that?
At some point I had to go back on the weed, since I got so very sad again. I did indeed realize that sometimes people are only together because they have kids. A striking fear went through me. That he might be trapped in a situation he cannot get out of. That he might be trapped. Sent him a song that talks about freedom. Fixed that shit. Free Therapy. One half joint later and I finally find myself on the Hüpfburg. I had the biggest fun ever. Not ever before did I have that much fun, I want to get one of these in my garden.
At dinner I started a discussion about communism, which is a thing that happens to me quite often right now, than I pissed off my sister by talking about fights we haven’t fought yet but keep on complaining about them, went home, got a lot more high since when it`s the evening, the nights get warmer and the stars get brighter, so I want to sit outside and smoke.
Here came Sunday.
I went home earlier and met a friend. Which was a blessing. I love her with my entire heart. We talked about coherence.
And for the sake of all of us I want to explain you what coherence is.
As we already discussed it before, various times, so please write it down, my friends.
Coherence is a theory from Aaron Antonovsky. A legend really. Rest in peace, my friend.
Coherence or the sense of coherence is a knowing that whatever you do, you will be successful in it. No business boys, not your successful. The actual type of successful, the it will work out type of successful.
Coherence consists of three things: Managebility, Feasibility and Meaningfulness.
Example:
Your goal is: You want to read my column.
You have your phone and a stable internet connection; you have a calm moment, and you see a sense somehow in finding out what has been going on inside my week.
Slay genuinely. Slay.
You have everything you need; you can do everything you need to do and you understand why you are doing it.
Got it? Coherence.
Now as we grow older, we build up coherence. Because being coherent is being safe. It is knowing that no matter what situation life throws at you, you can handle it. Maybe you even know that you have handled worse. Growing up is kind of a cool thing to do.
Monday was weird, I met with another friend, and we accidentally got drunk. We didn`t mean to, it just happened. Got some pizza, laughed a lot and so my week continued.
Tuesday morning a daydream hits me in the face. I fucking hate Paris. The pain, was genuinely awful. Shit fucking dream.
Work was strange. Hungover I was fighting for my dear life. In the evening a friend came over and we ate something and again talked about coherence.
Interesting feeling is it not?
Not to bore you, but today my day was kind of weird too.
Genuinely my brain is kind of a bitch. So scared, lost all her romance. She just lost hope, so sad.
“Do you know this band?” He says and turns on Ton, Steine, Scherben. My heart dropped in that moment. That was a very nice moment. Felt like winning. Felt like knowing that whatever I did, I did it right and I will always do it right. I just must remember the time I did it well and remember how I did it then. I know everything I must know. All I must do is remember. But god if it hurts like last time again, I will write you an angry e-mail.
At the and of my week, when I was laying in my bed and it was all cozy and warm, I realized that, I am my best when I am alone. Uncountable vacations I went on my own, unbelievable how much fun I had. I am never really alone though, I never really was. I have my ghosts, I have my friends, I have my family.
I don't chase, I attract.
Facts.
Love you,
Chiara.
April 23rd 2025
Was it chaotic? Yes, it was. Was it a Wednesday? Probably not.
This week started out on Wednesday. As every week does. I woke up having to work that day, after being seriously ill for two days
*Cut to Chiara dying in her bed for the last four days*
*Cut back*
Sure, I might as well have gotten up a little bit earlier so I could have more time, but sleep won. Honestly, sometimes my dear you are fighting yourself. The morning walk was nice, the day began. Given my new incredibly well working make up routine, I looked good as fuck when I left the house. Smelled like heaven only, since I just got this new body spray, perfume and hell of a good haircut. My skin was gleaming. I was feeling good, not to say.
Stumbeling down to the subway (I didn`t have coffee yet) as who crossed my path? Dr Dimopoulos. Smiling as ever, eyes still green and pretty, still tall. Excited to see me as usual. We say hi and cross paths.
When I tell you this day was starting out well, I mean it. I got in the train, took out my book, I read.
I entered the hospital for the first time, I worked at another location until now and will work here for a week. My heart is indeed beating to my chest. I was excited. I learned that this work can be chill, but I am horrendously scared of the days where it is not chill at all anymore.
Entering the hospital, memories drop back in my mind. I have been here before when I visited my friend, I wasn't alone when I visited her. It was a weird day. It was a Thursday; I was wearing a pretty dress and got some flours. Later I made pasta. Weird day.
A lot of memories linger around, so I walked to the elevator fast. Noticing the doodles on the inside of the elevator. The distinguish smell of sweet vanilla in the air.
Therese greeted me very warmly. I was introduced to everyone; they were very kind to me and nice and lovely and the Brezel I had for lunch was crispy and I loved all about it. Memories were all that it was. When I went home at 3 the big entrance took me off guard. For a second, I stood there looking at the water cooler right when I catched myself in the thoughts I moved on. Out of the turning doors, smiling at the man who just boarded his bike and was pretty, right straight to the bench. That fucking bench.
Moving on. Still hearing his voice in my brain, refusing to listen to it. The dreams stopped. The longing didn`t. The missing didn`t.
The day moved on, another walk and I was so tired my bed called louder than I was. Sharp 5 pm, I was asleep and in my bed. Woke up at 10 pm to take a bubble bath and back up in the bed.
Cozy and warm as per us.
Thursday, was actually a copy of Wednesday. Just that I didn`t write my column on Thursday, I wrote a poem.
Incoming Friday.
I woke up feeling more than horrible. My throat was closed up, I couldn`t swallow I felt so bad, a hug would have been nice. Short walk later I walk in the ER. The ER I used to work at for three years, before I quit and left and came back and quit again and came back and quit and never showed up again and practically ghosted them. Then started to turn up randomly to smoke, tried to apply again but they didn't want me anymore so I took my talent and energy another place.
(The hospital has not been thriving lately)
The door opens. I don`t know her. I am already crying internally. "Hi I used to work here and I am ill." She is confused, tells me to follow her, she walks me up to the nursing station and around the corncer comes Dzenan, my friend. I tell you my heart dropped so happy was I. 10 Minutes later I was out that door with pain medication, an antibiotic and a couple of warm hugs. I smiled on my way back. Back in the sweatpants and on the bed.
I remembered something Spirit of Tali said in the last Tarot reading on TikTok: “You can ask for things, you know? Clarity, help, attention, one call away.”
Incoming the call.
He picks up. My new number isn`t saved in his phone so thinking I was some friend of his, he brought out his best first graders English. I had to smile. Hearing his voice was actually kind of nice. He sounded like he always did, with a hint of desperation in his tone. I could feel him regretting picking up. Friends laughing behind him. “So, what`s up?” He asked, nonchalant as always. “Tell me now honestly do you have a new girl or not?”, I asked. Like a lawyer at court, he denied all answers didn`t matter, I already knew the truth, him not awnsering clearly was all the confession I needed. “I thought you love me.”, I said.“I never said that.”, He said. I said: “You did.” He said: “No, I didn`t. I can do what I want I am a free fish.” “You`re a piece of shit.” I said. “Fine by me.” He said. He hangs up.
For a good of 10 minutes, I sat there staring at my phone. I called back all my energy from him, all he took from me that wasn`t his I took it back, I gave everything back that was his.Then I moved on with my fucking life like an adult. Since I was ill my moving on like an adult consisted more of like a crying in the bathtub, while listening to sad music type of adult.
Incoming Saturday:
In addition to the wonderful mixture of sad and ill I also got my period. What a great fucking day, no even being able to smoke the pain away I decided to face it. With a full heart and antibiotics in my left hand I fought it, right in my bed, by myself all that evil, all that bullshit, I faced it all. God and Lucifer by my side.
Around 6 a sudden wave of energy hit me. I wanted some pizza desperately. So I got some pizza, put on some headphones ate my pizza and danced around. Suddenly I felt free. He might be a free fish, but I my friends,
I am a human a human being with feelings and thoughts and dreams and hopes.
At night I had the weirdest dream of not being able to close my shoes and forgetting that it`s New Year’s Eve.
Sunday.
Sunday started out with a shock. My niece fell and hurt her head, and we had to go to the hospital. When I got there my sister, and her husband were all alone fast I came in and quickly after me our parents and so fast all was good. My mom even brought snacks. My niece was okay, only a shock. All together we go back to our parents’ place.
Hanging around with my parents is definitely one of my favorite things to do.
Sunday evening, I spend again in my bed at home crying, suffering, curing out the illness, healing the broken heart.
Monday was probably my favorite day this week. Right in the morning I went back to my family to Musberg. I get there they are all at the playground, we run around there I kicked over Sandcastles and my Niece giggled like crazy everytime I fell flat on my nose in the sand. She likes a good clown. Our aunt, uncle and Nonna came over to celebrate easter. We ate good food and laughed heaps, incoming a bunch of political discussions I started. The whole day, we talked about how capitalism and communism could find peace. My aunt and I figured; they truly cannot live without each other. Please don’t think any bigger in this, I am not talking about anecdotes I am talking about the systems. And they only work with each other it just is what it is. Even Marx said so in his Manifesto. Page 13 or something I think.
Sometimes I wonder if he actually never loved me.
Incoming Tuesday and Date number one:
We knew us before but never really went on a date, he had this cute dog and there was always something about him that caught my interest. He had been trying for months and now I finally opened up the door. We got some Ice-cream, one for the dog too and a beer, it was actually genuinely magical. Do you know that when you are with someone, and it feels like vacation? That was what it was. All this time I forgot what it feels like to be actually liked by a guy. We spent the entire afternoon in the sun and enjoyed some weed on my balcony.
At 9 pm I made dumplings. Great fucking day.
Here comes today, Wednesday and Date number two:
We already went on a date before, which was to not say too much very fucking good. This made this date today, the second date. He is the biggest simp for me, which I love with my entire heart. His way of complementing me with a poetic profession boosts my self-esteem higher than it already is. The date was also, fucking magical, holy shit. We smoke some bit, went to get some drinks, we talked, and we didn`t. I completely forgot what it`s like to go out with someone who makes you feel safe. Really enjoyed it, forgot the entire world around me.
What they both had in common is that I felt calm with both of them. It felt easy, like breathing.
Now it`s Wednesday evening. I did my skincare in the mirror and suddenly, I was fine. If I would have known that it would bring me peace, I would have called you earlier.
Now I am moving on so gracefully, I got some more places to go and if you are invested in finding out who is gonna be the one, what do you think how excited I am?
We will see how the turn tables, my bonita. Read you next week bitches.