Wednesday some really hot Wednesday,
Thank you I do not understand what is going on, I have been trusting and going with the flow. Now my business is growing and I can only trust god. Stay tuned bitches, stay tuned. I will be back with news soon.
Wednesday, the 11th of June 2025
I feel like I wanna break out. Like in alien. Explode into a hundred million different pieces. I feel like I am so fucking perfect all the time.
Little Miss Daddies Princess. Little Miss Hollywood. Smiling bright, no worries insight. Nothing to break my brain about, so why can`t I sleep? I feel like I am waiting.
I wonder.
If it`s really all that deep. Or if life is just the way it is and actually, it`s just God and hey, God?
Jup.
How many times have I been running in circles?
Not very many, not very few.
Hey, Lucifer? What does this have to do with you?
Nothing.
I roll my eyes to fall back on the chair. I`m bored. I say.
With a bright smirk on their face, they ask me:
Would you prefer not being bored?
Oh, God the avalanche of my own thoughts.
Lucifer smiles: I would have a couple ideas of what we could do with you.
I know. I say. Who are you? Leaning my head to the left.
We`re just people in your mind you gave names too.
So now, what are we gonna do?
Take a shower or two?
Lucifer, you smell nasty too!
Odeur de depth of hell, you have never been there, have you?
Not in the slightest and you?
I live there too.
Roughly, Luci, how many people are down there too?
Lucifer rolls his eyes Ugh, enough. I hate humans.
I am human.
God disagrees.
So, God, if I am not human too, what am I?
You are as human as you allow yourself to be.
It`s celebrating all and we
Could never be humans to be free.
Are we all angels than?
Not everyone.
So, some are demons and inherently bad?
Lucifer grins Like being an angel is a good thing to be.
Is being a demon a good thing to be?
Demons are powerful beings. Lucifer explains; You can only build on stable ground.
You and God just started fucking. Was that the middle ground, you found yourselves on?
Don`t tell that to our little ducklings!
I have trouble with my brain.
You have trouble with your heart too.
I don`t understand what it is trying to say.
It speaks a language you cannot translate.
Listen kid, you need someone to explain it to you? God speaks up you need to stop looking in order to find it.
The seeking mind needs to write.
So now did you find everything you never mind?
Not even close. I don`t understand. I yell. I don`t understand my brain. It doesn`t make sense.
It`s a brain, Chiara! It wants to keep you safe!
I don`t understand what it`s trying to say!
Read you next week bitches.
And never forget, even if you feel like no one loves you, I love you, still and always.
Wednesday, the 4th of July 2025
God has left me on my own devices. Unsupervised. It makes me feel scared and safe at the same time. I know she is gonna come back and I know I am gonna do something crazy. Lately I have been dancing with the devil.
Punch them
He mumbles in my ear as a guest with backpack enters the bar.
Why?
They have a fucking backpack
So?
What do they have in there?
Should I ask them?
No.
Then why are you judging, if you`re too scared to understand?
Times have been back to normal. Finally. Entering my Kirk energy.
The words “Do what you want to do” are written above the pissoir. We stand there.
Do what YOU want to do
I repeat
What do you want to do? Lucifers deep voice in my ear.
What do I want to do? Scrunching my eyebrows as I continue cleaning up. What do I want to do?
The answer was simple.
Art and I want to sit around and wonder about stuff. There is many things that I wonder about.
Like what?
Like who is God?
You can ask deeper questions than that.
Why is our world created to stop us from doing art?
Because people profit off it, next question.
Why do people want to profit off us, profit ain`t real. That`s not a real thing.
It`s very real to them.
It`s a limiting belief.
How is that?
They limit their thinking into a box, even though it drains them of their purpose.
Why do they do that?
They are desperate. Money is their main source of income.
Got it. So, they limit their tree.
And only eat apples. But there are mangoes, there are Kiwis and there are Coconuts, you know, you get it, right?
They continue eating the one thing that is bad for them and has proven to poison their soul instead of eating from the other trees. Just because eating the apples is what everybody else is doing, they are not making conscious choices, maybe because after years of eating the apples their mind and soul is rotten and they forgot how good mangoes taste. Like pigs they eat, and they feast off of the apples and die a miserable death punished by their own choices, instead of showing courage, being different and eating from the variety of other choices. Just because they want to keep on eating apples and don`t like it when their choices are limited. So, they limit themselves from heaven, they limit themselves off of heaven, instead of giving up one thing. Instead of stop eating apples.
You got it Lucifer. They could have all the things in the world, but they rater want to cheat, lie, disguise, trick, hurt, bring war, bring pain, separate us, build walls, build skyscrapers, enslave people and simultaneously destroy our world. They choose being racists, sexist, homophobe, ableist over living free. They choose hate, because love is cringe to them.
Thank you for explaining it to me so well.
Oh well, you are welcome. My friend.
Friends don`t dance like this.
We didn`t dance in a while.
Now my mind went on a quest. What does it mean to live off of apples. What is it that has rotten my mind. What are these limiting beliefs I had to let go off. Lucifer was the exact right person to show me that. To let me objectively see my dark side, without engaging with it.
It`s the lust.
Low voice in my ear.
Lucifer, did you see dead boy detectives?
It`s a great show.
It`s the doing things so much, you don`t feel them anymore. It`s the stopping to feel, not being angry anymore when you are being disrespected. Lucifers way is living blindnessly, disregarding the consequences of your actions.
It`s when the alcohol doesn`t get you any drunker, but you keep on drinking it. It`s the weed not getting you high anymore, but you keep on smoking. It`s the becoming a blind slave to impulses because you have grown cold. It`s the growing cold. It`s forgetting that there is an entire garden inside of you and becoming addicted to external validation.
Losing touch with reality.
Problem is, Lucifer, they are so stern in believing their reality is the real one, they don´t believe a single word I tell them
Why?
They tell me I`m crazy.
They look pretty crazy to me.
What is I could just convince them?
Why do you feel the need to convince them?
Because out there are people that need our help, and we can only safe them if we save ourselves first. So let’s do it quick, so our brothers and sisters stop dying and Greta doesn’t have to be alone on her missions anymore.
You are not a superhero.
She is.
Oh she IS.
If they could just listen to me instead of trying to find holes in my construct, it would be so much easier. They all want to be me, but no one wants to put in the work it takes to be me. How many paragraphs did I write because I had something to say? How many times did I stand naked and ashamed because I had to take a chance? How much care and work do I put in myself, it`s not like God just gives you the trees, you have to plant them. They are so blinded by envy; they cannot see solutions. Listen and see the reality. For once in your life, could you listen to your intuition and risk looking stupid? For once could you be the person that stands up for others,or even for your own heart, if you dare? Could you be the one that protects people and doesn`t hurt them, just for once could you wake up and choose fucking peace choose reaching for the stars. And stop fucking rolling your eyes, you make your life so goddamn hard. Fucking loose it Spok, for once can you crash out, please?
Why would you want Spok to crash out?
It`s the breaking point in the character, it`s when the thunderbird finally comes out and he becomes who he truly is, and everyone is shocked and proud.
Living with God is easier. Of course, she said goodbye. I was walking on the vineyards as I hear her voice in my brain.
Chiara, I must leave you alone for some time now.
Where are you going?
You will be okay. I love you.
A soft kiss on the forehead and since then she was gone. At first, I thought it was a joke and that God can`t leave but it turned out to be true. I started breathing. Lucifer woke me up in the morning.
Get up.
Okay chill.
The first 24 hours we got into a bunch of fights. We fought about rules and about rights and wrongs, about how far you can go and talked about boundaries. At some point it all was talked about, since then, we have been getting along. It`s quite scary. I feel very supervised. All the time I feel like someone is watching me. Please don`t call the therapist because I must remind you that you eat the apples, I have an apple tree. Two different things, two different pairs of shoes. You consume the apple, I paint it.
It`s your anxiety
You just need a friend Lucifer.
You two nerds are quite enough for me, thanks.
So she`s with him now. Interesting. I giggle. I am interested in how those two get along.
It`s not like you let me go anywhere else. Lucifer rolls his eyes and falls back onto the chair in a dramatic gesture. You`re so persuasive.
Temptations, temptations everywhere. I stopped drinking alcohol, now we stop the cigarettes, then we stop the weed. Let me quit slowly. I have to be aware of my senses right now to stay calm, but not too aware or I become suspicious. There is also this silence, this awful silence. When God is near you, there is a bunch of music, and it is loud and laughy and happy. Silence is a sacred scarcity, enjoy it while you can.
It is the restriction that makes us human. The fact that I can hold my hunger. An animal cannot do that. An animal is hungry it is gonna eat. I am hungry, but I keep on working, I keep on painting, I keep on writing. It`s the fact that we can choose how and when we want to satisfy our need, that we can set priorities (priortities; respect thre titties). We are freedom driven; we share that with animals. No living being likes to be restricted, we like to be free. Sometimes you must understand that the one thing you believe is freedom, is not actually freedom, it`s a hoax, it`s Hollywood and it`s not real. A simple illusion of your mind. You must resist the temptation. All the time. You must understand who you are and stand safe in your morals. You must remember that you cannot change who you are, you can only change your perception of yourself. Think deeper than what your friends tell you to believe, deeper than what your husband, your parent allow you to see, deeper than anything you have ever been. You must remember, who you are. Go and stare in a mirror for hours until you see, you see who you are and look closer, oh God make them look closer.
God came back. One wonderful Sunday, God came back. I was laying in my bed, tired from the days ahead, tired on a budget, my back hurting, bones aching, the loneliness leaving me in a fetal position on my bed.
“Oh my child!” God exclaimed.
Her voice brighter than any light could have been. I get up, stand right in front of her naked, my own bare flesh hanging off my teeth.
“You`re back!”
God pulled me to her chest.
“Is he with him now?”
I asked her, fearing the answer.
Today, on Wednesday things are clearing up even more and I cannot talk about it yet, so you will have to wait for some real life experiences. Lucifer is all we had this week. Hope you`re doing well out there and I send you hugs and kisses. Tell your mom I said hi.
Goodbye bitches. Chiara.
Happy pride months by the way. This month you are legally obliged to be gay.
Wednesday, the 28th of May 2025
Since you are already pretty informed about my last week, let us start with Monday. Oh Monday, simple Monday.
Leo Did you sleep well?
Quite okay, and you?
Leo Didn`t sleep at all.
Why?
Leo I have a troublesome heart
The heart that seeks to be discovered, has to discover itself first.
I took a shower and went to Gentile with my Mom, which is an Italian store, were you can get as much Mortadella as you please. Who knows me, knows, that I love Mortadella more than anything else in this life. Maybe Leo, but that is to be discovered. Okay, my mom. My dad. I do indeed love my family more than I love Mortadella. It`s true. The ranking goes: 1. My family 2. My friends 3. My lover 4. Mortadella.
As to the cheese ranking:
1. Taleggio 2. Feta 3. Gorgonzola 4. Emmentaler 5. Mozzarella 6. Scamorza 7. Parmesan
As to my movie ranking:
1. Aristocats 2. Shrek 3. Despicable me 4. Madagascar
And if you ask me who my favorite one from Madagascar is, it is King Julien, by far. Do not touch their feet.
Just to complete this, my favorite TV- Shows:
1. Spongebob Squarepants 2. Captain Underpants 3. Mister Bean 4. The pink panther
As you can see, I am a big cartoon Fan, and I do not understand the people that underestimate Cartoons. Spongebob is communist propaganda, that is why I love it so much.
What if she doesn`t like it, my concept? Leo, I do not feel well, I am sick, I think I have to vomit.
Leo You have to breathe. 4,5,6, breathe….
Okay, okay, okay, there is no way to influence this now. I am prepared well; the rest is out of my hands.
Leo Good energy, good life, breathe.
Breatheee
I breathe Now what is making me so excited right now, I cannot tell you, we have to wait for the result until I can tell you all about it. Hell, am I excited.
Leo laughing bright Everything will be okay Princess.
Are you sure?
Leo Very sure.
Oh god.
God What is your favorite sandwich?
Prosciutto Cotto con formaggio. I`m stressed.
God Stay with yourself tiger.
The other day, I went to the dentist. Of course I had to get high before that, naturally, who goes to the dentist sober?
Smiling bright I step in, after filling out a form I was left to wait in the waiting room. With toys, so I played a bunch while waiting for them to wrongly call my name to get to the dentist.
Chilling on the chair, we laughed a bunch. Fun times at the dentist.
Life went on the days passed by, as fast as it was, it was Wednesday, today and now I am sitting at the white noise and write my column. As you are aware we will see how things continue.
We have Italo Disco tonight, so in case you are free come by.
Read you next week, I love you bitches.
Wednesday, the 25th of May 2025,which is actually a Sunday but here we go it`s Wednesday now
Hello Friends…
I know….
Let me tell you what happened.
Okay, so we all remember Chiara quitting her Job because it was awful, yes, right? In Germany we have this wonderful thing called Kündigungsfrist, which means that in order to be payed in full, you need to stick around until the end of the month. But well, my job was done there, I figured, I will never be that office type of person. I will never be Spok, no matter how hard I try, I don't belong here. I am a child of chaos a child of passion, of life, Life; that is where I belong. To the artists and the poets at sticky bars in dark rooms with a cigarette in my mouth and a dirty martini in my hand.
So Monday, I go to work, minding my own business, all I was supposed to do was to bring Patients from A to B.
Spoiler Alert, I lasted two days, then I ran out of there with my cigarette still lit.
“So, you are gonna stay until the end of the day and don`t come back tomorrow.”
“No. I am going to leave NOW and will get drunk I am too sober for this time of the day.”
“It`s 11 am.”
“Farethee well sir, farethee well.”
Propaganda I will NOT be falling for:
- Drinking being an evening activity.
I already had a new Job, so I was pretty calm and not even in the slightest worried. I knew that everything was gonna turn out more than fine. Little did I know, what was gonna happen on Wednesday. Tuesday Chiara was not aware of the fact, that her dreams of having THE bar would be reality. The Bar is called White noise and it is in Stuttgart. For those of you, who are fucking losers and don`t know what the white noise is: Come by now, we are right at the Rathaus, we are a Queer Safe Space and have a lot of FLINTA Parties, I had the first date with the loml there and yes, you absolutely can smoke a blunt in our smoker’s room and get a Rosemary, blueberry Tea from me and my wonderful smile. But more to it later.
So Tuesday. After I drank my Campari Soda, with my face in the sun, I get up and go shopping. Got a wonderful long red skirt, which will play a significant role in a man’s life on Wednesday. I deserved a treat for standing up for myself and quitting. I deserved a treat for choosing my time and my free will over 1000 Euros, that is very brave, given the fact that I do have 10 thousand Euros of credit card debts.
Oh, by the way, while talking about being brave, let me tell you what happened with Leo this week. Oh my god how much this man brings me to my knees, do you know this feeling of loving and hating someone at the same time? With your entire heart, your entire heart beats for them. And you hate yourself for loving them, since they treat you so horribly, but you know no matter what they do, you will always love them. So you hate and love them at the same time. You love who they are but you hate how they are to you and you wish things would be easy. Well, kids, not every story has a happy end.
When I am silent and the room is dark and there is no one and nothing to distract me, I can feel his heart beating. Every morning, I started including him in my prayers, may God set him free, may god show him the way and clear his head of all distractions and let him see his future in his dreams, so he understands the choices that he makes. So, the story:
I don`t even remember what fucking day it was but I wake up, Leo`s voice in my brain: “Text me, please I need you, text me, text me, text me.” I ignore it, for obvious reasons but at some point, I genuinely got worried. What if something happened, I got so worried about my man. I could feel him being sad, almost depressed, maybe something with his parents, I don't know but it's horribly painful energy he is having right now. I don't like that when he is in pain. Incoming, yet another paragraph. He fucking hated it that I texted him, and I giggled about the fact that he still doesn't have my new number saved. Why would he be manifest a text from me since weeks, when he didn't want me to text him? Maybe, he underestimates my abilities to hear his soul, maybe he underestimates his ability to talk to me. It's not like every souls voice is so crystal clear in my head like his is. But apparently he only needed it for his ego. Whatever makes you happy.
We can be friends, he said.
We will never be friends. I said.
He is in a relationship he said.
The poor girl. Is what I said.
Paradox. He said.
I am glad that he got what he wanted, hope he's happy about his achievement but when he started ghosting me again, I must admit it did made me cry.
A man who hates himself, will punish you for loving him. Don`t worry, Leo, I will find you in every lifetime and maybe next life, I won't walk away and you won't push me out. Maybe next life you will love me too.
Speaking of older men being in relationships with younger women so they can avoid emotional credibility, I went to the Grabkapelle on Wednesday, since I live like right there, I can literally see it from my house and I wanted to go for a walk. Wearing my new red skirt and a red crop top, paired with my docs, yes, I looked like a goddess, clouds have been pulling through the sky, it turned black, thunderstorm going on, I watch the lightning strike as a tall man with broad shoulders pulls up to see me sitting right at the top of the stairs smoking a Pink joint, wearing a long red dress.
Lucky bastard.
He comes over to talk to me, lucky for him I was actually quite thankful for someone taking my mind off of Leo, so against my usual feminist nature, we started talking.
It started raining and we went for lunch, we go to my place to smoke some weed and drive to the city together. No sex, just an innocent kiss by the cemetery.
Problem is, the good man is 40 something years old. He is rich and hot, yes, okay, but 46 years. That’s a 20 year age difference… Do I want to be with someone who is in his forties but has the emotional capacity of a 26 year old? Because we did actually vibe a lot and got along very well. But no I do not want to be doing laundry for the rest of my life. Thank you now. Rather alone.
He also told me about his ex-wife and genuinely that seemed like a twin flame type of dynamic. I am not gonna be the Vikki in another person’s story.
Looking back, we could have stayed friends, old, hot, rich Berlin guy and me since maybe he could have helped me with the whole Leo Situation, maybe his insight could have been useful to resolute this situation. But I do not trust straight men enough to be friends with them. I trust them as far as I can throw them. And now, now my friends, I am a businesswoman.
The white noise is going very well, it could be going better, we have a great team, and I have a tiny little crush on the woman who taught me on my first day. Now THAT was a kiss. That kiss alone changed me and I think I will find someone to love and you don't have to worry about me.
I know you think I don't care about you anymore, but do you know that your birthday is still my Passcode? I wonder how you could love her, but loving me was impossible and then I remember that it is not that deep, you just gotta find someone who speaks your language, so you don`t have to translate your soul for the rest of your life. I thought that was you but you found her. So as my last act of love I will leave you alone, I will not text you or call you, look at your playlist or at your socials anymore. You can be with her, I let you go.
I will keep on talking to your soul though because your soul is literally the sweetest and kindest fucking soul I ever spoke to in my entire life and you give me so much calmness, somehow you guide me and trust me I find it just as strange as you do. But whatever you are in the 3D world, is not my business, you`re a free fish. Just do me one favor and don't marry her, you are literally only with her to escape your Karma, that you got for treating me this way. It's a matter of time until your illusions wear off and you see the truth. I pray it will not be too late at that point. I want you to be who you are, not who you are trying to be. You are an artist and I know it takes courage to even start but did you forget who you are? Leo, the Lion King. Did you fucking forget who you are? Remember. I know you feel alone but don't worry, part of you I will keep safe in my heart forever until the day I die you will be safe there.
So now, we are changing some stuff in the White Noise, FLINTA resident DJ, PubQuiz, Karaoke, Die Linke Podiumsdisskusion, weed smoking room, THE best alcohol free cocktails you could possibly get and Pinsa en mas with Mortadella and vegetables, Popcorn as snacks and cool TikToks.
Today when it all settled and I realized HOW great this opportunity is that I stumbled in. Incoming panic…
What if I can`t do it?
Leo What if you can?
What if I am not strong enough, what if I get confused, don`t do the work, run away and loose the opportunity of a life time?
Leo I will not let you run, you are so brave and I am right here beside you. We are a team, remember?
My breath is getting hard, I feel like I can`t breathe, I feel like all the oxygen in the world is not enough.
Leo Hold my hand and breathe with me: Four seconds in, five seconds hold, six seconds out.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Will I be able to do this?
Leo Of course you will. You waited for this your entire life. You are literally the most boss ass bitch I have ever seen, you are made for this, you`ll do this so easily. One step after the other and see how fast this will grow, you know it, I know it, no space for fear here.
You are so right. I am that bitch.
Leo I am so proud of you.
Thank you. But what about you? Are you gonna be okay?
Leo I`m okay. taking my hand Don`t worry about me.
I miss you.
I can feel him stroking my head.
Leo Take her to the moon for me.
Come with me, my voice breaking to the moon A tear dropping from my left eye I don't want to go without you.
Leo I am right here next to you and I am not going anywhere until you ask me to.
I love you.
Leo With my entire heart.
So now this was my week, kinda I guess. Read you next week bitches, I love you.
Wednesday, the 14th of May 2025
;Source: Reddit:
Life and Death have been in love for more than time could tell. Life makes Death endless gifts and Death keeps them forever.
;Addition: Chiara:
A black hood across his head, invisible sweat drops off his skull, a single rose dying on the red leather of his cart. Death hits his horses with a certain pride, they crumble under any hit.
Patiently waiting, smiling bright her left hand being held by a child.
“Why did I die?”
Life strokes his hair; with a soft voice she replies:
“It was a car crash.”
Life smiles as she sits down to the child.
“Don`t worry, it all will be good.”
She kisses his forehead. Life and the deceased child walk on, patiently waiting for Death to arrive. Sunshine in their eyes, fierce sea to their left, Chrystal clear sand beneath their feet. It is a misery he had to die, but that is how the story is to be told. Their love has a price, Death always wins.
As he hurries across the skies to find planet earth the rose seemingly begins to die, red turns black.
“Hussa!”
He screams and forces his horses to go even faster than before. A dead heart beating fast. Darkness surrounding him. Death is nothing but a skull and some bones, not much left but his will to keep Life safe. To take in all the darkness, so she can bring the life. It is a sacred thing, such a life.
The beach enlightens for every step she takes, around her a beaming aura of green and yellow light. Long black curly hair, cinnamon skin with a hint of vanilla in her essence. Amber eyes. They stand at a beach, waiting for death to arrive. It couldn`t have been too long, it feels as if she forgot his eyes.
Cracks as he breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, he can see her light from miles, knows exactly how to guide his horses there. Bones breaking from the hurry they are in, the darkness surrounding him, hiding him from humanity. As finally they crash on the beach, jumping up, grabbing the rose he runs to her. She doesn`t wait a second, let’s go of the child’s hand and runs towards him.
Catching her in the middle he twirls her around to hold her close. Breathing in her essence, her entire being, the soft smell of vanilla, scents of dying roses. As he hold the rose towards her. Leafs falling off on his side, as she begins to rise back to life in her hands. Beaming reds, they hold each other close. For her smile brings his heart back to life, for hearing her laugh for just one second, he breaks into two and becomes a new. All those things he wanted to say, not one word to come out of his mouth as finally he breaks the silence to say three simple words:
“I love you.”
His voice finding strength, heart finally beating again.
“With my entire heart.”
She replies.
…from the novel “the love story of life and death” by Chiara Ricciotti.
Wednesday, May 7, 2025
Well, is it Wednesday? Kind of. Was it chaotic? Yes. Was it one full week? Absolutely not, it was a little bit more.
If he wanted to, he would have. No, even if he didn`t want to, he still would have done it because that is what love is about. Like helping you move, even though there is another woman that you want see.
Wednesday started out as every other Wednesday, with a meeting with the left. This time it was a big one and we did a little game before. Had fun. Afterwards I got some drinks with Luca and even though we wanted a chill night, yet still when I was on my way home at 3 am I was high as a kite and drunk as a construction side worker on a Thursday morning. No biggie Thursday was the first of May.
“Siamo tutti Antifascisti”
My docs are sitting tight, my fist risen in the air, yelling out of my pure heart with a joint in my hand. Apparently, it has become my trademark, that I am always high and always hand you a joint. Like I am widely spread known for that. I am basically snoop dog, only younger and a lot more boring (I wish).
We were so many people. Even if the votes might tell us different, we are all antifascists. I don`t understand the votes, how it is possible that we are so many anti fascists but yet still 20% AFD. Out of what fucking corner did the Nazis crawl out of and can they crawl right back in please? I once dated a very beautiful Greek man, who was a barkeeper, he voted for the Afd. At first, I thought I could change him, since, you know, I can be very persuasive or persistent, depends on you point of view.
Cut
Chiara But I really CAN change him!
Maria Leave this bar and his life, your antifa friends will hate you for that.
Cut back
I cannot live without my antifa friends.
Anyways, the day went on quite weird and at some point, Friday came and I was left alone in Stuttgart without supervision since my family left for vacation. Luca was still in town but was not free to supervise me. Which is fair since Luca is actually my younger sibling. I am supposed to be the adult. Well, me, my family and my friends have come to terms with the fact that I will not be the adult. I will probably be high. The genius needs the child in themselves since that is where the genius origins from. Your capability of staying a child, of staying soft, even though everybody wants you different. The art of being a sheep. But a black one, with docs on. So, I went ahead and called an old friend. Valentina. We all remember Valentina. Nice girl, beautiful, got a psychosis on my birthday, ghosted her, now she build her life on her own and doesn’t need me anymore. But we spend some time together and that was very wholesome. Somehow it was like we never took a break, somehow it even was like we already talked about all the trouble we had and even though we still did apologize, it felt like we already talked about everything. Because we did.
I am a spiritual medium, remember? I talk to souls. Makes my life so much easier because I don`t actually need you present to hear the truth. It does make the life of the people who are trying to bamboozle me kinda hard though. I will let you believe you are winning, but never forget, that you cannot win in a game I made the rules in. Also makes it kinda hard to cheat on me, or to forget me. I know leaving is a lot easier than forgetting me. My vanilla scented soft skin is not easy to get out of your mind. In addition to that, I have ears and eyes everywhere, I know everyone and everyone know my people. I am basically an unstoppable force and so are my friends. Very loyal friends I have there.
Wednesday, I found out, like you already know that a man I overlooked was actually hot and secretly a communist, on Saturday we will see how that continues. As to my dating life, I made progress. I am communicating very well even about the stuff I don`t want to talk about, I can happily say: I am me again only better. Took on my final form, won against the endboss. Two situationships one after the other. The endboss. I won, it`s over. Now I am back.
Guess who`s back?
Menace Chiara. Quitting Chiara. Feral, savage Chiara. The wonderful, full of options, full of spark Chiara. Missed her. I am glad she showed me her darkness, now I can implement it and God do I love the darkness in her. She cannot be controlled. She is free, she is the moment. She is in love with herself. And the Drama? Omg I love my attitude. With my entire heart I love me.
Let us skip to the part, that y`all really want to hear.
The quitting and firing.
Monday, I wake up and feel like shit, so I call in sick. Tuesday, I get an E-Mail from my boss, telling me to come in and talk on Thursday. I go in Wednesday, that is when trouble started, which is also why this column is so late now.
I work on Wednesday, knowing that I am gonna get fired on Thursday and now I have to do the work of somebody else to be getting fired the next day, so naturally I am already annoyed. I was not allowed anymore to make appointments and people have been weird to me, since they already knew what was going on. Like I said, they have a problem with gossip culture.
The thing is, I know, but they don`t know I know so here we go, knowing it all but not knowing that we all know. I was already a bubbling volcano, waiting to explode.
Incoming the Chef Doctor yelling at me for some stupid shit. He was standing, while I was sitting. I felt like a child getting yelled at by my dad because I had a four minus in math. Well, that was the last straw. I got angry and so I wrote an angry round Mail, attached my boss, slammed the door and left the premise. I am Legend.
The Mail said as much as if you think you can do it so much better, go ahead do it, I will not return tomorrow, good luck.
In the meantime, Nive and I had to reconnect with nature since, well I was seconds before actually physically exploding.
Thursday, they tell me they don`t want me anymore, I say good, I don´t really want to stay, so they were really fair to me, like that was so fair. I understand why you would fire me after that Mail, not only did I piss off one boss, I pissed of 15 with one e-mail. I know who I am, I get it, the firing me was super fair and we made a deal, so actually, thank you for all the kind messages, but don`t worry I am so good.
It was a blessing in disguise. Now I am free and looking for jobs. That is not the first time that I do this. Not even the first time this month. I am very coherent and full of self-esteem from finally recognizing my worth.
Summer is coming in strong; I tell you. Full of dates and new great clothes and full of sex and red wine on his hipbones. Full of fun and dancing, because that is what I have been doing yesterday and today, that is why this column was then again a lot later.
Like you cannot possibly find someone who balances the line between clinically insane and hyper mentally aware like I do. Nothing is as it was, yet still my heart never changed. Thank you god.
Read you next week, bitcheeeeeeeeeeees.
Go out tonight, get a sweet little drink and say L’chaim when you clink. I love you.
Wednesday again
One thing I learned this week, is that when you have the impulse to write: You get the fuck up and you write.
I am known for my daydreams. At times the daydreams seem so real, I lose myself in them for a second. My mind is simply more interesting than the real world. There is more possibilities up there. I can talk to a bunch of people up there.
At times I like to imagine that they hear me too. That when I think of someone that automatically means, they think of me too. Must be that limerence everybody keeps running their mouths about.
So, we went to Rocky Horror picture show on Thursday and it was genuinely amazing. Might have been the best thing that I have seen in a long time. I dare you not to watch it, you will miss a humongous part of societal history if you have never seen it. I don`t even know how to begin to tell you that it indeed did change my view on the world and on loving yourself. Not just the shiny part of you. The naked version of you, all the parts of you. Also, the parts of you, you wanted to hide. You are meant to see them and to transform them.
Speaking of coherence, you must understand that your life is a constant quest seeking. Mini Quests and big quests keep on popping up.
Incoming, yet another Friday.
Starting out with work, when the sunshine was louder than the phone I left the office. Happily, on my way home as fast as I could. I had an appointment, and I had to rush home, to get my nieces birthday present and to my appointment in time.
So fast, so good I got all the quests in and accomplished them by the hour. Clock on the dot my sister texted me and I rushed home, with a couple of stops in between. I for some reason I stranded in Vaihingen. There was something I wanted to get, or the bus was late, and I had some time to kill or I wanted to smoke, could have been anything, really.
Stumbling up the park, which I sincerely love especially in the spring when all the flowers come out the way they do, and the sun is shining in your face. So, you must smile. Incoming one good drink, a joint and I had everything I needed just right there and then on the bench with my face in the sun.
Music in my right ear.
Lost my left earpod. Again. Now I have two different kinds of airpods that don`t fit together but only one of both of them. So I have two in total but they both don`t really work. Which is kind of nice because I can still keep on listening to some song while life goes on. It helps me not being that anxious.
Anyways, got some flowers, got a coffee, got back to the bus, went to my family, celebrated my niece’s birthday, realized that men only get weird beards when they are in a relationship, went home, played some piano, sang a weird song, fell asleep and incoming
Saturday.
Saturday.
And the Hüpfburg.
Incoming.
The Hüpfburg.
Do you want to know something about me? Kids love me. Somehow kids and me we are the best of friends. We get along well; we want to do the same stuff and we want to talk about the same things.
Like yes, please do tell me at what age dinosaurs stop growing. I am actually genuinely interested in why farts smell the way they fart. Thank you I do want to climb up on that big castle there in the middle of the sand pit. Actually, that sounds like the best idea ever and I wonder-
Why did we ever stop doing that?
At some point I had to go back on the weed, since I got so very sad again. I did indeed realize that sometimes people are only together because they have kids. A striking fear went through me. That he might be trapped in a situation he cannot get out of. That he might be trapped, not loved. Sent him a song that talks about freedom and love. Fixed that shit. Free Therapy. Cute way of communicating we have there. One half joint later and I finally find myself on the Hüpfburg. I had the biggest fun ever. Not ever before did I have that much fun, I want to get one of these in my garden.
At dinner I started a discussion about communism, which is a thing that happens to me quite often right now, than I pissed off my sister by talking about fights we haven’t fought yet but keep on complaining about them, went home, got a lot more high since when it`s the evening, the nights get warmer and the stars get brighter, so I want to sit outside and smoke.
Here came Sunday.
I went home earlier and met a friend. Which was a blessing. I love her with my entire heart. We talked about coherence.
And for the sake of all of us I want to explain you what coherence is.
As we already discussed it before, various times, so please write it down, my friends.
Coherence is a theory from Aaron Antonovsky. A legend really. Rest in peace, my friend.
Coherence or the sense of coherence is a knowing that whatever you do, you will be successful in it. No business boys, not your successful. The actual type of successful, the it will work out type of successful.
Coherence consists of three things: Managebility, Feasibility and Meaningfulness.
Example:
Your goal is: You want to read my column.
You have your phone and a stable internet connection; you have a calm moment, and you see a sense somehow in finding out what has been going on inside my week.
Slay genuinely. Slay.
You have everything you need; you can do everything you need to do and you understand why you are doing it.
Got it? Coherence.
Now as we grow older, we build up coherence. Because being coherent is being safe. It is knowing that no matter what situation life throws at you, you can handle it. Maybe you even know that you have handled worse. Growing up is kind of a cool thing to do.
Monday was weird, I met with another friend, and we accidentally got drunk. We didn`t mean to, it just happened. Got some pizza, laughed a lot and so my week continued.
Work was strange. Hungover I was fighting for my dear life. In the evening a friend came over and we ate something and again talked about coherence.
Interesting feeling is it not?
Not to bore you, but today my day was kind of weird too.
Genuinely my brain is kind of a bitch. So scared, lost all her romance. She just lost hope, so sad.
“Do you know this band?” He says and turns on Ton, Steine, Scherben. My heart dropped in that moment. That was a very nice moment. Felt like winning. Felt like knowing that whatever I did, I did it right and I will always do it right. I just must remember the time I did it well and remember how I did it then. I know everything I must know. All I must do is remember. But god if it hurts like last time again, I will write you an angry e-mail.
At the and of my week, when I was laying in my bed and it was all cozy and warm, I realized that, I am my best when I am alone. Uncountable vacations I went on my own, unbelievable how much fun I had. I am never really alone though, I never really was. I have my ghosts, I have my friends, I have my family.
I don't chase, I attract.
Facts.
Love you,
Chiara.
April 23rd 2025
Was it chaotic? Yes, it was. Was it a Wednesday? Probably not.
This week started out on Wednesday. As every week does. I woke up having to work that day, after being seriously ill for two days
*Cut to Chiara dying in her bed for the last four days*
*Cut back*
Sure, I might as well have gotten up a little bit earlier so I could have more time, but sleep won. Honestly, sometimes my dear you are fighting yourself. The morning walk was nice, the day began. Given my new incredibly well working make up routine, I looked good as fuck when I left the house. Smelled like heaven only, since I just got this new body spray, perfume and hell of a good haircut. My skin was gleaming. I was feeling good, not to say.
Stumbeling down to the subway (I didn`t have coffee yet) as who crossed my path? Dr Dimopoulos. Smiling as ever, eyes still green and pretty, still tall. Excited to see me as usual. We say hi and cross paths.
When I tell you this day was starting out well, I mean it. I got in the train, took out my book, I read.
I entered the hospital for the first time, I worked at another location until now and will work here for a week. My heart is indeed beating to my chest. I was excited. I learned that this work can be chill, but I am horrendously scared of the days where it is not chill at all anymore.
Entering the hospital, memories drop back in my mind. I have been here before when I visited my friend, I wasn't alone when I visited her. It was a weird day. It was a Thursday; I was wearing a pretty dress and got some flours. Later I made pasta. Weird day.
A lot of memories linger around, so I walked to the elevator fast. Noticing the doodles on the inside of the elevator. The distinguish smell of sweet vanilla in the air.
Therese greeted me very warmly. I was introduced to everyone; they were very kind to me and nice and lovely and the Brezel I had for lunch was crispy and I loved all about it. Memories were all that it was. When I went home at 3 the big entrance took me off guard. For a second, I stood there looking at the water cooler right when I catched myself in the thoughts I moved on. Out of the turning doors, smiling at the man who just boarded his bike and was pretty, right straight to the bench. That fucking bench.
Moving on. Still hearing his voice in my brain, refusing to listen to it. The dreams stopped. The longing didn`t. The missing didn`t.
The day moved on, another walk and I was so tired my bed called louder than I was. Sharp 5 pm, I was asleep and in my bed. Woke up at 10 pm to take a bubble bath and back up in the bed.
Cozy and warm as per us.
Thursday, was actually a copy of Wednesday. Just that I didn`t write my column on Thursday, I wrote a poem.
Incoming Friday.
I woke up feeling more than horrible. My throat was closed up, I couldn`t swallow I felt so bad, a hug would have been nice. Short walk later I walk in the ER. The ER I used to work at for three years, before I quit and left and came back and quit again and came back and quit and never showed up again and practically ghosted them. Then started to turn up randomly to smoke, tried to apply again but they didn't want me anymore so I took my talent and energy another place.
(The hospital has not been thriving lately)
The door opens. I don`t know her. I am already crying internally. "Hi I used to work here and I am ill." She is confused, tells me to follow her, she walks me up to the nursing station and around the corncer comes Dzenan, my friend. I tell you my heart dropped so happy was I. 10 Minutes later I was out that door with pain medication, an antibiotic and a couple of warm hugs. I smiled on my way back. Back in the sweatpants and on the bed.
I remembered something Spirit of Tali said in the last Tarot reading on TikTok: “You can ask for things, you know? Clarity, help, attention, one call away.”
Incoming the call.
He picks up. My new number isn`t saved in his phone so thinking I was some friend of his, he brought out his best first graders English. I had to smile. Hearing his voice was actually kind of nice. He sounded like he always did, with a hint of desperation in his tone. I could feel him regretting picking up. Friends laughing behind him. “So, what`s up?” He asked, nonchalant as always. “Tell me now honestly do you have a new girl or not?”, I asked. Like a lawyer at court, he denied all answers didn`t matter, I already knew the truth, him not awnsering clearly was all the confession I needed. “I thought you love me.”, I said.“I never said that.”, He said. I said: “You did.” He said: “No, I didn`t. I can do what I want I am a free fish.” “You`re a piece of shit.” I said. “Fine by me.” He said. He hangs up.
For a good of 10 minutes, I sat there staring at my phone. I called back all my energy from him, all he took from me that wasn`t his I took it back, I gave everything back that was his.Then I moved on with my fucking life like an adult. Since I was ill my moving on like an adult consisted more of like a crying in the bathtub, while listening to sad music type of adult.
Incoming Saturday:
In addition to the wonderful mixture of sad and ill I also got my period. What a great fucking day, no even being able to smoke the pain away I decided to face it. With a full heart and antibiotics in my left hand I fought it, right in my bed, by myself all that evil, all that bullshit, I faced it all. God and Lucifer by my side.
Around 6 a sudden wave of energy hit me. I wanted some pizza desperately. So I got some pizza, put on some headphones ate my pizza and danced around. Suddenly I felt free. He might be a free fish, but I my friends,
I am a human a human being with feelings and thoughts and dreams and hopes.
At night I had the weirdest dream of not being able to close my shoes and forgetting that it`s New Year’s Eve.
Sunday.
Sunday started out with a shock. My niece fell and hurt her head, and we had to go to the hospital. When I got there my sister, and her husband were all alone fast I came in and quickly after me our parents and so fast all was good. My mom even brought snacks. My niece was okay, only a shock. All together we go back to our parents’ place.
Hanging around with my parents is definitely one of my favorite things to do.
Sunday evening, I spend again in my bed at home crying, suffering, curing out the illness, healing the broken heart.
Monday was probably my favorite day this week. Right in the morning I went back to my family to Musberg. I get there they are all at the playground, we run around there I kicked over Sandcastles and my Niece giggled like crazy everytime I fell flat on my nose in the sand. She likes a good clown. Our aunt, uncle and Nonna came over to celebrate easter. We ate good food and laughed heaps, incoming a bunch of political discussions I started. The whole day, we talked about how capitalism and communism could find peace. My aunt and I figured; they truly cannot live without each other. Please don’t think any bigger in this, I am not talking about anecdotes I am talking about the systems. And they only work with each other it just is what it is. Even Marx said so in his Manifesto. Page 13 or something I think.
Sometimes I wonder if he actually never loved me.
Incoming Tuesday and Date number one:
We knew us before but never really went on a date, he had this cute dog and there was always something about him that caught my interest. He had been trying for months and now I finally opened up the door. We got some Ice-cream, one for the dog too and a beer, it was actually genuinely magical. Do you know that when you are with someone, and it feels like vacation? That was what it was. All this time I forgot what it feels like to be actually liked by a guy. We spent the entire afternoon in the sun and enjoyed some weed on my balcony.
At 9 pm I made dumplings. Great fucking day.
Here comes today, Wednesday and Date number two:
We already went on a date before, which was to not say too much very fucking good. This made this date today, the second date. He is the biggest simp for me, which I love with my entire heart. His way of complementing me with a poetic profession boosts my self-esteem higher than it already is. The date was also, fucking magical, holy shit. We smoke some bit, went to get some drinks, we talked, and we didn`t. I completely forgot what it`s like to go out with someone who makes you feel safe. Really enjoyed it, forgot the entire world around me.
What they both had in common is that I felt calm with both of them. It felt easy, like breathing.
Now it`s Wednesday evening. I did my skincare in the mirror and suddenly, I was fine. If I would have known that it would bring me peace, I would have called you earlier.
Now I am moving on so gracefully, I got some more places to go and if you are invested in finding out who is gonna be the one, what do you think how excited I am?
We will see how the turn tables, my bonita. Read you next week bitches.