Weednesday, the 9th of July.
My keypad on my iPad never works, except for some times and it’s making me fucking crazy. I am allergic to histamine which means I cannot eat all the things I love the most in this world. Like dark chocolate and Mortadella. Essentially it is a disgrace to be forced to live this way. I am the utmost unhappy I have ever been and if you call me Drama Queen one more time, I swear to God and all her holinesses
I stomp my foot and take a deep breath
I will loose it.
I break down on the floor.
I am also on my period.
Clutching my pearls
I do not have ice cream at home, thank you for asking.
while talking I get up dramatically
I have come a fucking long way.
I wipe metaphorical blood off my cheeks.
I would die for a Lemonaid right now. The green one to be specific. Though I would also like a sip of the pink one please. Also my lighter doesn’t work.
I drop a tear.
It’s a disgrace.
It has been an extremely long day of working 4 hours, selling Mortadella and Dark Choclate.
Nothing really to worry about Life seems like flying right now. Of course I am also dieing, laughing while I am writing.
What type of therapist do I call for that?
For what?
For fucking life.
You fucking life?
I don’t know.
Well figure it out bitch.
That’s what I need the therapist for to figure it out.
Now what?
Now I am confused and quit.
Why?
It’s a figure of speech, Katy from New York.
I am from New Hampshire.
That is so much worse.
But I grew up in New Jersey. It’s such a shame by the way this column hasn’t made it on stage yet. You guys are really missing something.
That’s true, I do a great Katy from New York.
New Hampshire.
But grew up in New Jersey.
So now what?
I grew up in Vaihingen.
Actually in Musberg.
Nooo bitch, about life. What you gon do about it?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing. I am officially retired.
Sitting on my terrace, smoking a joint, wearing a penguin sweater.
I’ll throw a retirement party.
Wow congratulations, remind me not to be invited to that party.
Wow Katy, why not?
I hate retirement parties. Always boring.
It’ll be fucking great.
Whatever.
There will be pancakes.
So what?
And hot men.
So… no bitches?
Of course there will be bitches Katy. This is a funeral, not Trevor’s 17th Birthday party
Okay whatever, you might text me the details. I’ll see if I can make it, for the bitches of course.
Okay.
Everything for the bitches.
Everything for the bitches.
…
Music so loud I can nearly taste colors and feel food. But what if I cannot have Music cause it’s too loud, everybody is annoying and I can’t sleep yet cause I didn’t do my nighttime routine yet?
i write.
and even when I am in my bed ready to sleep, i write and i write and i write.
Like a monkey on a typewrite must I have written all the stories in the world someday, just to invent more and write on.
and on and on and on.
until eternity has no more meaning and life is no more of existence.
What a fucking incredible column, thank you god for this talent to write. It’s the only reason of my existence and I love it. Bless you god this columns have been superb. I MEAN: did you read our last columns? Go back and read them all, see how much progress I have made and read Theos story again. How fucking good is this? I deserve a BUNCH of grammies and prizes for this chefs kiss talent to write.
Enough self praise.
But fuck me am I great.
Hands of a goddess.
Mind of God herself.
And a heart of Gold.
Read you next week bitches.
‘cause I’ll have to write.
Love you,
yours truly,
Chiara.
Wednesday, the 2nd July, 2025
have i turned into a dark person?
into someone that doesn’t believe in the goodness of people anymore?
Who convinced me that people are bad? How many times did they fool me until I gave up?
What if someone believes in me and I start believing in myself all of a sudden?
somewhere between finding out they can actually be evil and finding out being good doesn’t change
anything but being angry does.
maybe my energy is off but the town feels awfully quiet during the day and awfully loud at night. somehow it feel dangerous, not aware if the fear has always been there or if I turn to dust. somehow i’m scared of men, creatures of lust. which i don’t understand why would i be scared? i am much stronger than any man, there is nothing they can do that I can’t, yet i am scared of letting them close while allowing them closer and letting them in i tremble between every beat. trying to understand the choices of my brain, the choices it makes and started screaming at it when i am scared.
learning how to make decisions and standing firm in them, learning when to speak up and learning how to let yourself be loved.
allowing it to come in. learned to not leave the house for anyone and wanting to lock in at home. back into hermit mode. yet i am never going home again. somehow i feel like i miss myself. somehow i feel like i am apart of me and god has left me on my own devices. Again.
something is going on outside and i love watching it. yet i feel like i need a break now before i break out. Got no time to stop, the world needs us. Capitalism is out to get you, lord know I lost precious friends to the capitalist, breaks my heart to see how they turn racist.
No time to look back, got a world to save, a life to live, got love to give. Found a way to make some noise, now I never shut up. (Like I ever shut the fuck up)
Coming home is harder than going away. Running away is easy. Hate is a beginner emotion and don’t confuse the beginning with the dark. But it doesn’t have to be hard. Yes, there is no light, give the lightbulbs a second to turn bright. What if this feeling of unease is a good thing what if under all that pain hides everything you ever wanted. What if heaven is inside you?
Lately I have been learning how it feels to be loved, how it feels to be appreciated and how to be a girl. I have been learning to stand in my masculine energy, how to balance it with the most sticky sweet feminine energy.
Got my head all up in the clouds, a legend by profession.
Life is a rollercoaster are you tall enough to ride?
Read you soon bitches.
Wednesday, the 11th of June 2025
I feel like I wanna break out. Like in alien. Explode into a hundred million different pieces. I feel like I am so fucking perfect all the time.
Little Miss Daddies Princess. Little Miss Hollywood. Smiling bright, no worries insight. Nothing to break my brain about, so why can`t I sleep? I feel like I am waiting.
I wonder.
If it`s really all that deep. Or if life is just the way it is and actually, it`s just God and hey, God?
Jup.
How many times have I been running in circles?
Not very many, not very few.
Hey, Lucifer? What does this have to do with you?
Nothing.
I roll my eyes to fall back on the chair. I`m bored. I say.
With a bright smirk on their face, they ask me:
Would you prefer not being bored?
Oh, God the avalanche of my own thoughts.
Lucifer smiles: I would have a couple ideas of what we could do with you.
I know. I say. Who are you? Leaning my head to the left.
We`re just people in your mind you gave names too.
So now, what are we gonna do?
Take a shower or two?
Lucifer, you smell nasty too!
Odeur de depth of hell, you have never been there, have you?
Not in the slightest and you?
I live there too.
Roughly, Luci, how many people are down there too?
Lucifer rolls his eyes Ugh, enough. I hate humans.
I am human.
God disagrees.
So, God, if I am not human too, what am I?
You are as human as you allow yourself to be.
It`s celebrating all and we
Could never be humans to be free.
Are we all angels than?
Not everyone.
So, some are demons and inherently bad?
Lucifer grins Like being an angel is a good thing to be.
Is being a demon a good thing to be?
Demons are powerful beings. Lucifer explains; You can only build on stable ground.
You and God just started fucking. Was that the middle ground, you found yourselves on?
Don`t tell that to our little ducklings!
I have trouble with my brain.
You have trouble with your heart too.
I don`t understand what it is trying to say.
It speaks a language you cannot translate.
Listen kid, you need someone to explain it to you? God speaks up you need to stop looking in order to find it.
The seeking mind needs to write.
So now did you find everything you never mind?
Not even close. I don`t understand. I yell. I don`t understand my brain. It doesn`t make sense.
It`s a brain, Chiara! It wants to keep you safe!
I don`t understand what it`s trying to say!
Read you next week bitches.
And never forget, even if you feel like no one loves you, I love you, still and always.
Wednesday, the 4th of July 2025
God has left me on my own devices. Unsupervised. It makes me feel scared and safe at the same time. I know she is gonna come back and I know I am gonna do something crazy. Lately I have been dancing with the devil.
Punch them
He mumbles in my ear as a guest with backpack enters the bar.
Why?
They have a fucking backpack
So?
What do they have in there?
Should I ask them?
No.
Then why are you judging, if you`re too scared to understand?
Times have been back to normal. Finally. Entering my Kirk energy.
The words “Do what you want to do” are written above the pissoir. We stand there.
Do what YOU want to do
I repeat
What do you want to do? Lucifers deep voice in my ear.
What do I want to do? Scrunching my eyebrows as I continue cleaning up. What do I want to do?
The answer was simple.
Art and I want to sit around and wonder about stuff. There is many things that I wonder about.
Like what?
Like who is God?
You can ask deeper questions than that.
Why is our world created to stop us from doing art?
Because people profit off it, next question.
Why do people want to profit off us, profit ain`t real. That`s not a real thing.
It`s very real to them.
It`s a limiting belief.
How is that?
They limit their thinking into a box, even though it drains them of their purpose.
Why do they do that?
They are desperate. Money is their main source of income.
Got it. So, they limit their tree.
And only eat apples. But there are mangoes, there are Kiwis and there are Coconuts, you know, you get it, right?
They continue eating the one thing that is bad for them and has proven to poison their soul instead of eating from the other trees. Just because eating the apples is what everybody else is doing, they are not making conscious choices, maybe because after years of eating the apples their mind and soul is rotten and they forgot how good mangoes taste. Like pigs they eat, and they feast off of the apples and die a miserable death punished by their own choices, instead of showing courage, being different and eating from the variety of other choices. Just because they want to keep on eating apples and don`t like it when their choices are limited. So, they limit themselves from heaven, they limit themselves off of heaven, instead of giving up one thing. Instead of stop eating apples.
You got it Lucifer. They could have all the things in the world, but they rater want to cheat, lie, disguise, trick, hurt, bring war, bring pain, separate us, build walls, build skyscrapers, enslave people and simultaneously destroy our world. They choose being racists, sexist, homophobe, ableist over living free. They choose hate, because love is cringe to them.
Thank you for explaining it to me so well.
Oh well, you are welcome. My friend.
Friends don`t dance like this.
We didn`t dance in a while.
Now my mind went on a quest. What does it mean to live off of apples. What is it that has rotten my mind. What are these limiting beliefs I had to let go off. Lucifer was the exact right person to show me that. To let me objectively see my dark side, without engaging with it.
It`s the lust.
Low voice in my ear.
Lucifer, did you see dead boy detectives?
It`s a great show.
It`s the doing things so much, you don`t feel them anymore. It`s the stopping to feel, not being angry anymore when you are being disrespected. Lucifers way is living blindnessly, disregarding the consequences of your actions.
It`s when the alcohol doesn`t get you any drunker, but you keep on drinking it. It`s the weed not getting you high anymore, but you keep on smoking. It`s the becoming a blind slave to impulses because you have grown cold. It`s the growing cold. It`s forgetting that there is an entire garden inside of you and becoming addicted to external validation.
Losing touch with reality.
Problem is, Lucifer, they are so stern in believing their reality is the real one, they don´t believe a single word I tell them
Why?
They tell me I`m crazy.
They look pretty crazy to me.
What is I could just convince them?
Why do you feel the need to convince them?
Because out there are people that need our help, and we can only safe them if we save ourselves first. So let’s do it quick, so our brothers and sisters stop dying and Greta doesn’t have to be alone on her missions anymore.
You are not a superhero.
She is.
Oh she IS.
If they could just listen to me instead of trying to find holes in my construct, it would be so much easier. They all want to be me, but no one wants to put in the work it takes to be me. How many paragraphs did I write because I had something to say? How many times did I stand naked and ashamed because I had to take a chance? How much care and work do I put in myself, it`s not like God just gives you the trees, you have to plant them. They are so blinded by envy; they cannot see solutions. Listen and see the reality. For once in your life, could you listen to your intuition and risk looking stupid? For once could you be the person that stands up for others,or even for your own heart, if you dare? Could you be the one that protects people and doesn`t hurt them, just for once could you wake up and choose fucking peace choose reaching for the stars. And stop fucking rolling your eyes, you make your life so goddamn hard. Fucking loose it Spok, for once can you crash out, please?
Why would you want Spok to crash out?
It`s the breaking point in the character, it`s when the thunderbird finally comes out and he becomes who he truly is, and everyone is shocked and proud.
Living with God is easier. Of course, she said goodbye. I was walking on the vineyards as I hear her voice in my brain.
Chiara, I must leave you alone for some time now.
Where are you going?
You will be okay. I love you.
A soft kiss on the forehead and since then she was gone. At first, I thought it was a joke and that God can`t leave but it turned out to be true. I started breathing. Lucifer woke me up in the morning.
Get up.
Okay chill.
The first 24 hours we got into a bunch of fights. We fought about rules and about rights and wrongs, about how far you can go and talked about boundaries. At some point it all was talked about, since then, we have been getting along. It`s quite scary. I feel very supervised. All the time I feel like someone is watching me. Please don`t call the therapist because I must remind you that you eat the apples, I have an apple tree. Two different things, two different pairs of shoes. You consume the apple, I paint it.
It`s your anxiety
You just need a friend Lucifer.
You two nerds are quite enough for me, thanks.
So she`s with him now. Interesting. I giggle. I am interested in how those two get along.
It`s not like you let me go anywhere else. Lucifer rolls his eyes and falls back onto the chair in a dramatic gesture. You`re so persuasive.
Temptations, temptations everywhere. I stopped drinking alcohol, now we stop the cigarettes, then we stop the weed. Let me quit slowly. I have to be aware of my senses right now to stay calm, but not too aware or I become suspicious. There is also this silence, this awful silence. When God is near you, there is a bunch of music, and it is loud and laughy and happy. Silence is a sacred scarcity, enjoy it while you can.
It is the restriction that makes us human. The fact that I can hold my hunger. An animal cannot do that. An animal is hungry it is gonna eat. I am hungry, but I keep on working, I keep on painting, I keep on writing. It`s the fact that we can choose how and when we want to satisfy our need, that we can set priorities (priortities; respect thre titties). We are freedom driven; we share that with animals. No living being likes to be restricted, we like to be free. Sometimes you must understand that the one thing you believe is freedom, is not actually freedom, it`s a hoax, it`s Hollywood and it`s not real. A simple illusion of your mind. You must resist the temptation. All the time. You must understand who you are and stand safe in your morals. You must remember that you cannot change who you are, you can only change your perception of yourself. Think deeper than what your friends tell you to believe, deeper than what your husband, your parent allow you to see, deeper than anything you have ever been. You must remember, who you are. Go and stare in a mirror for hours until you see, you see who you are and look closer, oh God make them look closer.
God came back. One wonderful Sunday, God came back. I was laying in my bed, tired from the days ahead, tired on a budget, my back hurting, bones aching, the loneliness leaving me in a fetal position on my bed.
“Oh my child!” God exclaimed.
Her voice brighter than any light could have been. I get up, stand right in front of her naked, my own bare flesh hanging off my teeth.
“You`re back!”
God pulled me to her chest.
Today, on Wednesday things are clearing up even more and I cannot talk about it yet, so you will have to wait for some real life experiences. Lucifer is all we had this week. Hope you`re doing well out there and I send you hugs and kisses. Tell your mom I said hi.
Goodbye bitches. Chiara.
Happy pride months by the way. This month you are legally obliged to be gay.
Wednesday, the 28th of May 2025
The heart that seeks to be discovered, has to discover itself first.
I took a shower and went to Gentile with my Mom, which is an Italian store, were you can get as much Mortadella as you please. Who knows me, knows, that I love Mortadella more than anything else in this life. Okay, my mom. My dad. I do indeed love my family more than I love Mortadella. It`s true. The ranking goes: 1. My family 2. My friends 3. My lover 4. Mortadella.
As to the cheese ranking:
1. Taleggio 2. Feta 3. Gorgonzola 4. Emmentaler 5. Mozzarella 6. Scamorza 7. Parmesan
As to my movie ranking:
1. Aristocats 2. Shrek 3. Despicable me 4. Madagascar
And if you ask me who my favorite one from Madagascar is, it is King Julien, by far. Do not touch their feet.
Just to complete this, my favorite TV- Shows:
1. Spongebob Squarepants 2. Captain Underpants 3. Mister Bean 4. The pink panther
As you can see, I am a big cartoon Fan, and I do not understand the people that underestimate Cartoons. Spongebob is communist propaganda, that is why I love it so much.
What if she doesn`t like it, my concept?
Okay, okay, okay, there is no way to influence this now. I am prepared well; the rest is out of my hands.
Breatheee
I breathe Now what is making me so excited right now, I cannot tell you, we have to wait for the result until I can tell you all about it. Hell, am I excited.
Are you sure?
Oh god.
God What is your favorite sandwich?
Prosciutto Cotto con formaggio. I`m stressed.
God Stay with yourself tiger.
The other day, I went to the dentist. Of course I had to get high before that, naturally, who goes to the dentist sober?
Smiling bright I step in, after filling out a form I was left to wait in the waiting room. With toys, so I played a bunch while waiting for them to wrongly call my name to get to the dentist.
Chilling on the chair, we laughed a bunch. Fun times at the dentist.
Life went on the days passed by, as fast as it was, it was Wednesday, today and now I am sitting at the white noise and write my column. As you are aware we will see how things continue.
We have Italo Disco tonight, so in case you are free come by.
Read you next week, I love you bitches.
Wednesday, the 14th of May 2025
;Source: Reddit:
Life and Death have been in love for more than time could tell. Life makes Death endless gifts and Death keeps them forever.
;Addition: Chiara:
A black hood across his head, invisible sweat drops off his skull, a single rose dying on the red leather of his cart. Death hits his horses with a certain pride, they crumble under any hit.
Patiently waiting, smiling bright her left hand being held by a child.
“Why did I die?”
Life strokes his hair; with a soft voice she replies:
“It was a car crash.”
Life smiles as she sits down to the child.
“Don`t worry, it all will be good.”
She kisses his forehead. Life and the deceased child walk on, patiently waiting for Death to arrive. Sunshine in their eyes, fierce sea to their left, Chrystal clear sand beneath their feet. It is a misery he had to die, but that is how the story is to be told. Their love has a price, Death always wins.
As he hurries across the skies to find planet earth the rose seemingly begins to die, red turns black.
“Hussa!”
He screams and forces his horses to go even faster than before. A dead heart beating fast. Darkness surrounding him. Death is nothing but a skull and some bones, not much left but his will to keep Life safe. To take in all the darkness, so she can bring the life. It is a sacred thing, such a life.
The beach enlightens for every step she takes, around her a beaming aura of green and yellow light. Long black curly hair, cinnamon skin with a hint of vanilla in her essence. Amber eyes. They stand at a beach, waiting for death to arrive. It couldn`t have been too long, it feels as if she forgot his eyes.
Cracks as he breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, he can see her light from miles, knows exactly how to guide his horses there. Bones breaking from the hurry they are in, the darkness surrounding him, hiding him from humanity. As finally they crash on the beach, jumping up, grabbing the rose he runs to her. She doesn`t wait a second, let’s go of the child’s hand and runs towards him.
Catching her in the middle he twirls her around to hold her close. Breathing in her essence, her entire being, the soft smell of vanilla, scents of dying roses. As he hold the rose towards her. Leafs falling off on his side, as she begins to rise back to life in her hands. Beaming reds, they hold each other close. For her smile brings his heart back to life, for hearing her laugh for just one second, he breaks into two and becomes a new. All those things he wanted to say, not one word to come out of his mouth as finally he breaks the silence to say three simple words:
“I love you.”
His voice finding strength, heart finally beating again.
“With my entire heart.”
She replies.
…from the novel “the love story of life and death” by Chiara Ricciotti.
Wednesday, the 25th of May 2025,which is actually a Sunday but here we go it`s Wednesday now
Hello Friends…
I know….
Let me tell you what happened.
Okay, so we all remember Chiara quitting her Job because it was awful, yes, right? In Germany we have this wonderful thing called Kündigungsfrist, which means that in order to be payed in full, you need to stick around until the end of the month. But well, my job was done there, I figured, I will never be that office type of person. I will never be Spok, no matter how hard I try, I don't belong here. I am a child of chaos a child of passion, of life, Life; that is where I belong. To the artists and the poets at sticky bars in dark rooms with a cigarette in my mouth and a dirty martini in my hand.
So Monday, I go to work, minding my own business, all I was supposed to do was to bring Patients from A to B.
Spoiler Alert, I lasted two days, then I ran out of there with my cigarette still lit.
“So, you are gonna stay until the end of the day and don`t come back tomorrow.”
“No. I am going to leave NOW and will get drunk I am too sober for this time of the day.”
“It`s 11 am.”
“Farethee well sir, farethee well.”
Propaganda I will NOT be falling for:
- Drinking being an evening activity.
I already had a new Job, so I was pretty calm and not even in the slightest worried. I knew that everything was gonna turn out more than fine. Little did I know, what was gonna happen on Wednesday. Tuesday Chiara was not aware of the fact, that her dreams of having THE bar would be reality. The Bar is called White noise and it is in Stuttgart. For those of you, who are fucking losers and don`t know what the white noise is: Come by now, we are right at the Rathaus, we are a Queer Safe Space and have a lot of FLINTA Parties, I had the first date with the loml there and yes, you absolutely can smoke a blunt in our smoker’s room and get a Rosemary, blueberry Tea from me and my wonderful smile. But more to it later.
So Tuesday. After I drank my Campari Soda, with my face in the sun, I get up and go shopping. Got a wonderful long red skirt, which will play a significant role in a man’s life on Wednesday. I deserved a treat for standing up for myself and quitting. I deserved a treat for choosing my time and my free will over 1000 Euros, that is very brave, given the fact that I do have 10 thousand Euros of credit card debts.
Every morning, I started including my bank guy, in my prayers, may God set him free.
You are an artist and I know it takes courage to even start but did you forget who you are?
So now this was my week, kinda I guess. Read you next week bitches, I love you.
Wednesday, May 7, 2025
Well, is it Wednesday? Kind of. Was it chaotic? Yes. Was it one full week? Absolutely not, it was a little bit more.
If he wanted to, he would have. No, even if he didn`t want to, he still would have done it because that is what love is about. Like helping you move, even though there is another woman that you want see.
Wednesday started out as every other Wednesday, with a meeting with the left. This time it was a big one and we did a little game before. Had fun. Afterwards I got some drinks with Luca and even though we wanted a chill night, yet still when I was on my way home at 3 am I was high as a kite and drunk as a construction side worker on a Thursday morning. No biggie Thursday was the first of May.
“Siamo tutti Antifascisti”
My docs are sitting tight, my fist risen in the air, yelling out of my pure heart with a joint in my hand. Apparently, it has become my trademark, that I am always high and always hand you a joint. Like I am widely spread known for that. I am basically snoop dog, only younger and a lot more boring (I wish).
We were so many people. Even if the votes might tell us different, we are all antifascists. I don`t understand the votes, how it is possible that we are so many anti fascists but yet still 20% AFD. Out of what fucking corner did the Nazis crawl out of and can they crawl right back in please? I once dated a very beautiful Greek man, who was a barkeeper, he voted for the Afd. At first, I thought I could change him, since, you know, I can be very persuasive or persistent, depends on you point of view.
Cut
Chiara But I really CAN change him!
Maria Leave this bar and his life, your antifa friends will hate you for that.
Cut back
I cannot live without my antifa friends.
Anyways, the day went on quite weird and at some point, Friday came and I was left alone in Stuttgart without supervision since my family left for vacation. Luca was still in town but was not free to supervise me. Which is fair since Luca is actually my younger sibling. I am supposed to be the adult. Well, me, my family and my friends have come to terms with the fact that I will not be the adult. I will probably be high. The genius needs the child in themselves since that is where the genius origins from. Your capability of staying a child, of staying soft, even though everybody wants you different. The art of being a sheep. But a black one, with docs on. So, I went ahead and called an old friend. Valentina. We all remember Valentina. Nice girl, beautiful, got a psychosis on my birthday, ghosted her, now she build her life on her own and doesn’t need me anymore. But we spend some time together and that was very wholesome. Somehow it was like we never took a break, somehow it even was like we already talked about all the trouble we had and even though we still did apologize, it felt like we already talked about everything. Because we did.
I am a spiritual medium, remember? I talk to souls. Makes my life so much easier because I don`t actually need you present to hear the truth. It does make the life of the people who are trying to bamboozle me kinda hard though. I will let you believe you are winning, but never forget, that you cannot win in a game I made the rules in. Also makes it kinda hard to cheat on me, or to forget me. I know leaving is a lot easier than forgetting me. My vanilla scented soft skin is not easy to get out of your mind. In addition to that, I have ears and eyes everywhere, I know everyone and everyone know my people. I am basically an unstoppable force and so are my friends. Very loyal friends I have there.
Wednesday, I found out, like you already know that a man I overlooked was actually hot and secretly a communist, on Saturday we will see how that continues. As to my dating life, I made progress. I am communicating very well even about the stuff I don`t want to talk about, I can happily say: I am me again only better. Took on my final form, won against the endboss. Two situationships one after the other. The endboss. I won, it`s over. Now I am back.
Guess who`s back?
Menace Chiara. Quitting Chiara. Feral, savage Chiara. The wonderful, full of options, full of spark Chiara. Missed her. I am glad she showed me her darkness, now I can implement it and God do I love the darkness in her. She cannot be controlled. She is free, she is the moment. She is in love with herself. And the Drama? Omg I love my attitude. With my entire heart I love me.
Let us skip to the part, that y`all really want to hear.
The quitting and firing.
Monday, I wake up and feel like shit, so I call in sick. Tuesday, I get an E-Mail from my boss, telling me to come in and talk on Thursday. I go in Wednesday, that is when trouble started, which is also why this column is so late now.
I work on Wednesday, knowing that I am gonna get fired on Thursday and now I have to do the work of somebody else to be getting fired the next day, so naturally I am already annoyed. I was not allowed anymore to make appointments and people have been weird to me, since they already knew what was going on. Like I said, they have a problem with gossip culture.
The thing is, I know, but they don`t know I know so here we go, knowing it all but not knowing that we all know. I was already a bubbling volcano, waiting to explode.
Incoming the Chef Doctor yelling at me for some stupid shit. He was standing, while I was sitting. I felt like a child getting yelled at by my dad because I had a four minus in math. Well, that was the last straw. I got angry and so I wrote an angry round Mail, attached my boss, slammed the door and left the premise. I am Legend.
The Mail said as much as if you think you can do it so much better, go ahead do it, I will not return tomorrow, good luck.
In the meantime, Nive and I had to reconnect with nature since, well I was seconds before actually physically exploding.
Thursday, they tell me they don`t want me anymore, I say good, I don´t really want to stay, so they were really fair to me, like that was so fair. I understand why you would fire me after that Mail, not only did I piss off one boss, I pissed of 15 with one e-mail. I know who I am, I get it, the firing me was super fair and we made a deal, so actually, thank you for all the kind messages, but don`t worry I am so good.
It was a blessing in disguise. Now I am free and looking for jobs. That is not the first time that I do this. Not even the first time this month. I am very coherent and full of self-esteem from finally recognizing my worth.
Summer is coming in strong; I tell you. Full of dates and new great clothes and full of sex and red wine on his hipbones. Full of fun and dancing, because that is what I have been doing yesterday and today, that is why this column was then again a lot later.
Like you cannot possibly find someone who balances the line between clinically insane and hyper mentally aware like I do. Nothing is as it was, yet still my heart never changed. Thank you god.
Read you next week, bitcheeeeeeeeeeees.
Go out tonight, get a sweet little drink and say L’chaim when you clink. I love you.
Wednesday again
One thing I learned this week, is that when you have the impulse to write: You get the fuck up and you write.
I am known for my daydreams. At times the daydreams seem so real, I lose myself in them for a second. My mind is simply more interesting than the real world. There is more possibilities up there. I can talk to a bunch of people up there.
At times I like to imagine that they hear me too. That when I think of someone that automatically means, they think of me too. Must be that limerence everybody keeps running their mouths about.
So, we went to Rocky Horror picture show on Thursday and it was genuinely amazing. Might have been the best thing that I have seen in a long time. I dare you not to watch it, you will miss a humongous part of societal history if you have never seen it. I don`t even know how to begin to tell you that it indeed did change my view on the world and on loving yourself. Not just the shiny part of you. The naked version of you, all the parts of you. Also, the parts of you, you wanted to hide. You are meant to see them and to transform them.
Speaking of coherence, you must understand that your life is a constant quest seeking. Mini Quests and big quests keep on popping up.
Incoming, yet another Friday.
Starting out with work, when the sunshine was louder than the phone I left the office. Happily, on my way home as fast as I could. I had an appointment, and I had to rush home, to get my nieces birthday present and to my appointment in time.
So fast, so good I got all the quests in and accomplished them by the hour. Clock on the dot my sister texted me and I rushed home, with a couple of stops in between. I for some reason I stranded in Vaihingen. There was something I wanted to get, or the bus was late, and I had some time to kill or I wanted to smoke, could have been anything, really.
Stumbling up the park, which I sincerely love especially in the spring when all the flowers come out the way they do, and the sun is shining in your face. So, you must smile. Incoming one good drink, a joint and I had everything I needed just right there and then on the bench with my face in the sun.
Music in my right ear.
Lost my left earpod. Again. Now I have two different kinds of airpods that don`t fit together but only one of both of them. So I have two in total but they both don`t really work. Which is kind of nice because I can still keep on listening to some song while life goes on. It helps me not being that anxious.
Anyways, got some flowers, got a coffee, got back to the bus, went to my family, celebrated my niece’s birthday, went home, played some piano, sang a weird song, fell asleep and incoming
Saturday.
Saturday.
And the Hüpfburg.
Incoming.
The Hüpfburg.
Do you want to know something about me? Kids love me. Somehow kids and me we are the best of friends. We get along well; we want to do the same stuff and we want to talk about the same things.
Like yes, please do tell me at what age dinosaurs stop growing. I am actually genuinely interested in why farts smell the way they fart. Thank you I do want to climb up on that big castle there in the middle of the sand pit. Actually, that sounds like the best idea ever and I wonder-
Why did we ever stop doing that?
At dinner I started a discussion about communism, which is a thing that happens to me quite often right now, than I pissed off my sister by talking about fights we haven’t fought yet but keep on complaining about them, went home, got a lot more high since when it`s the evening, the nights get warmer and the stars get brighter, so I want to sit outside and smoke.
Here came Sunday.
I went home earlier and met a friend. Which was a blessing. I love her with my entire heart. We talked about coherence.
And for the sake of all of us I want to explain you what coherence is.
As we already discussed it before, various times, so please write it down, my friends.
Coherence is a theory from Aaron Antonovsky. A legend really. Rest in peace, my friend.
Coherence or the sense of coherence is a knowing that whatever you do, you will be successful in it. No business boys, not your successful. The actual type of successful, the it will work out type of successful.
Coherence consists of three things: Managebility, Feasibility and Meaningfulness.
Example:
Your goal is: You want to read my column.
You have your phone and a stable internet connection; you have a calm moment, and you see a sense somehow in finding out what has been going on inside my week.
Slay genuinely. Slay.
You have everything you need; you can do everything you need to do and you understand why you are doing it.
Got it? Coherence.
Now as we grow older, we build up coherence. Because being coherent is being safe. It is knowing that no matter what situation life throws at you, you can handle it. Maybe you even know that you have handled worse. Growing up is kind of a cool thing to do.
Monday was weird, I met with another friend, and we accidentally got drunk. We didn`t mean to, it just happened. Got some pizza, laughed a lot and so my week continued.
Work was strange. Hungover I was fighting for my dear life. In the evening a friend came over and we ate something and again talked about coherence.
Interesting feeling is it not?
Not to bore you, but today my day was kind of weird too.
Genuinely my brain is kind of a bitch. So scared, lost all her romance. She just lost hope, so sad.
“Do you know this band?” He says and turns on Ton, Steine, Scherben. My heart dropped in that moment. That was a very nice moment. Felt like winning. Felt like knowing that whatever I did, I did it right and I will always do it right. I just must remember the time I did it well and remember how I did it then. I know everything I must know. All I must do is remember. But god if it hurts like last time again, I will write you an angry e-mail.
At the and of my week, when I was laying in my bed and it was all cozy and warm, I realized that, I am my best when I am alone. Uncountable vacations I went on my own, unbelievable how much fun I had. I am never really alone though, I never really was. I have my ghosts, I have my friends, I have my family.
I don't chase, I attract.
Facts.
Love you,
Chiara.
April 23rd 2025
Was it chaotic? Yes, it was. Was it a Wednesday? Probably not.
This week started out on Wednesday. As every week does. I woke up having to work that day, after being seriously ill for two days
*Cut to Chiara dying in her bed for the last four days*
*Cut back*
Sure, I might as well have gotten up a little bit earlier so I could have more time, but sleep won. Honestly, sometimes my dear you are fighting yourself. The morning walk was nice, the day began. Given my new incredibly well working make up routine, I looked good as fuck when I left the house. Smelled like heaven only, since I just got this new body spray, perfume and hell of a good haircut. My skin was gleaming. I was feeling good, not to say.
Stumbeling down to the subway (I didn`t have coffee yet) as who crossed my path? Dr Dimopoulos. Smiling as ever, eyes still green and pretty, still tall. Excited to see me as usual. We say hi and cross paths.
When I tell you this day was starting out well, I mean it. I got in the train, took out my book, I read.
I entered the hospital for the first time, I worked at another location until now and will work here for a week. My heart is indeed beating to my chest. I was excited. I learned that this work can be chill, but I am horrendously scared of the days where it is not chill at all anymore.
Entering the hospital, memories drop back in my mind. I have been here before when I visited my friend, I wasn't alone when I visited her. It was a weird day. It was a Thursday; I was wearing a pretty dress and got some flours. Later I made pasta. Weird day.
A lot of memories linger around, so I walked to the elevator fast. Noticing the doodles on the inside of the elevator. The distinguish smell of sweet vanilla in the air.
Therese greeted me very warmly. I was introduced to everyone; they were very kind to me and nice and lovely and the Brezel I had for lunch was crispy and I loved all about it. Memories were all that it was. When I went home at 3 the big entrance took me off guard. For a second, I stood there looking at the water cooler right when I catched myself in the thoughts I moved on. Out of the turning doors, smiling at the man who just boarded his bike and was pretty, right straight to the bench. That fucking bench.
Moving on. Still hearing his voice in my brain, refusing to listen to it. The dreams stopped. The longing didn`t. The missing didn`t.
The day moved on, another walk and I was so tired my bed called louder than I was. Sharp 5 pm, I was asleep and in my bed. Woke up at 10 pm to take a bubble bath and back up in the bed.
Cozy and warm as per us.
Thursday, was actually a copy of Wednesday. Just that I didn`t write my column on Thursday, I wrote a poem.
Incoming Friday.
I woke up feeling more than horrible. My throat was closed up, I couldn`t swallow I felt so bad, a hug would have been nice. Short walk later I walk in the ER. The ER I used to work at for three years, before I quit and left and came back and quit again and came back and quit and never showed up again and practically ghosted them. Then started to turn up randomly to smoke, tried to apply again but they didn't want me anymore so I took my talent and energy another place.
(The hospital has not been thriving lately)
The door opens. I don`t know her. I am already crying internally. "Hi I used to work here and I am ill." She is confused, tells me to follow her, she walks me up to the nursing station and around the corncer comes Dzenan, my friend. I tell you my heart dropped so happy was I. 10 Minutes later I was out that door with pain medication, an antibiotic and a couple of warm hugs. I smiled on my way back. Back in the sweatpants and on the bed.
Since I was ill my moving on like an adult consisted more of like a crying in the
bathtub, while listening to sad music type of adult.
Incoming Saturday:
In addition to the wonderful mixture of sad and ill I also got my period. What a great fucking day, no even being able to smoke the pain away I decided to face it. With a full heart and antibiotics in my left hand I fought it, right in my bed, by myself all that evil, all that bullshit, I faced it all. God and Lucifer by my side.
Around 6 a sudden wave of energy hit me. I wanted some pizza desperately. So I got some pizza, put on some headphones ate my pizza and danced around. Suddenly I felt free.
I am a human a human being with feelings and thoughts and dreams and hopes.
At night I had the weirdest dream of not being able to close my shoes and forgetting that it`s New Year’s Eve.
Sunday.
Sunday started out with a shock. My niece fell and hurt her head, and we had to go to the hospital. When I got there my sister, and her husband were all alone fast I came in and quickly after me our parents and so fast all was good. My mom even brought snacks. My niece was okay, only a shock. All together we go back to our parents’ place.
Hanging around with my parents is definitely one of my favorite things to do.
Sunday evening, I spend again in my bed at home crying, suffering, curing out the illness, healing the broken heart.
Monday was probably my favorite day this week. Right in the morning I went back to my family to Musberg. I get there they are all at the playground, we run around there I kicked over Sandcastles and my Niece giggled like crazy everytime I fell flat on my nose in the sand. She likes a good clown. Our aunt, uncle and Nonna came over to celebrate easter. We ate good food and laughed heaps, incoming a bunch of political discussions I started. The whole day, we talked about how capitalism and communism could find peace. My aunt and I figured; they truly cannot live without each other. Please don’t think any bigger in this, I am not talking about anecdotes I am talking about the systems. And they only work with each other it just is what it is. Even Marx said so in his Manifesto. Page 13 or something I think.
Incoming Tuesday and Date number one:
We knew us before but never really went on a date, he had this cute dog and there was always something about him that caught my interest. He had been trying for months and now I finally opened up the door. We got some Ice-cream, one for the dog too and a beer, it was actually genuinely magical. Do you know that when you are with someone, and it feels like vacation? That was what it was. All this time I forgot what it feels like to be actually liked by a guy. We spent the entire afternoon in the sun and enjoyed some weed on my balcony.
At 9 pm I made dumplings. Great fucking day.
Here comes today, Wednesday and Date number two:
We already went on a date before, which was to not say too much very fucking good. This made this date today, the second date. He is the biggest simp for me, which I love with my entire heart. His way of complementing me with a poetic profession boosts my self-esteem higher than it already is. The date was also, fucking magical, holy shit. We smoke some bit, went to get some drinks, we talked, and we didn`t. I completely forgot what it`s like to go out with someone who makes you feel safe. Really enjoyed it, forgot the entire world around me.
What they both had in common is that I felt calm with both of them. It felt easy, like breathing.
Now it`s Wednesday evening. I did my skincare in the mirror and suddenly, I was fine. If I would have known that it would bring me peace, I would have called you earlier.
We will see how the turn tables, my bonita. Read you next week bitches.