What does a punk have to do to be part of the world? How does a young person with an extreme wish for freedom fit in a capitalistic society? And how do you master your life without a navigation system aka how do you live without a plan?

 

I wondered: was love really all that gives life reason? 

 

 

 

Click here to get to the newest column

  

 

Wednesday the third of July 2024

 

Apparently, you definitely do need to have an Esta at least three days before your flight to the USA. So I stayed one night in Frankfurt in a hotel.

I met a bunch of strangers there. I love meeting strangers, it is the most romance you can get, the epitome of romance. Every single one was American, what are the odds? I thought the universe was preparing me for my big love, whom I will meet in Boston, of course. Turns out it was not that surprising at all, since from Frankfurt there is an entire Gate dedicated to American planes. It seems like Frankfurt is little USA.

 

Later that night in Frankfurt I was looking in my eyes in the mirror of a strangers hotel room and laughed. Remembering how my mom used to say: “Just because they say they have sweets does not mean, they have sweets, don`t ever follow a stranger anywhere.” But Mom, they had weed.

But I guess that was just one another of my impulsive decisions. I am famous for those especially when they are weed related. This whole trip was an impulsive decision.

Did you ever piss off like 6 people at the same time, layed 8 fires and opened 6 boxes in 4 weeks and now have to keep your phone on silent so these little fires don`t become uncontrollable wildfires?

That’s why I am leaving. We remember my plan to work in nursing again for two months, to have enough money for Rome. What a surprise, I was not able to “just stick with it” and I did cancel my trip to Rome. Two days back in nursing and I literally wanted to kill myself. Three days and my stomach wanted to kill me, one week and my entire body was aching, my brain burning and my skin melting. Not to be dramatic or anything but I truly believe that working makes you sick.

It drains you from the last reason to be alive, takes your last hope and makes you hate humans with a passion.

I am an artist, God dammit. I fucking hate hierarchy, I fucking hate being told what to do and I fucking hate listening to anything or anyone else than my heart. I decided after two weeks, the entire world can suck my hypothetic, hairy balls, I will do what I want from now on and the money part and everything else will figure itself out.

Enough with the work talk, it`s boring.

 

We have been flying for a total of 4 hours and I woke up from a nap, so good, my face was all wrinkly.

Food was served and I wondered, what kind of a fucking idiot serves cauliflower on a plane? The next 6 hours flight continued with farts and smells.

 

I rubbed my eyes, as that is the way to go after a nap, when suddenly this sharp pain in my chest started. Taking my breath away, I closed my eyes. Memories came up. Memories of lost love, from one second to the other I grieved.

I grieved all the love I lost. Love cannot really get lost, it can change though and you have to grief the change. Since change is a symbolism of death. Scared of being forgotten, by whom I once loved the most, all I could think of was: Think of me every once in a while, don`t forget me.

My eyes watered, I let my gaze fall out of the window. While looking at miles of ocean, hope started. I thought if I would take this pain out of my chest and throw it in the ocean, the ocean wouldn`t even notice.

The ocean would take it in, with a warm embrace, kiss me on the cheek and wipe away my tears. The ocean would never leave me alone, neither does the wind, neither does fire or the earth. Nature holds me and weighs me, makes sure I feel comfortable, and nature would never forget me or abandon me. Everyone fucking leaves these days, but nature doesn’t, faith doesn’t, hope doesn’t. If I could give this pain to the ocean, it would carry it away, this horrible pain of feeling forgotten, of feeling lost. This pain of not having a home and probably not finding one any time soon. I am trying to find a home, I swear, I am trying so hard, my entire being is striving, yearning for a home, that is why I am here in Boston in the first place. Maybe this is where I left my heart.

 

I love you. I didn`t know how to tell you, but I do.

 

Going to Boston has been my dream since I was a little girl, so being here really is a dream come true.

These last three weeks I was laser focused on finding someone I want to spent my life with, someone I could call home. Main Quest: Find someone who marries you on the spot, so you never have to be alone again a single second of your life anymore.

Don`t get me wrong, I love being free, I love being single but I fucking hate being alone. I fucking hate waking up in empty beds. And whenever I think I found someone, they leave, or they let me go or it`s just about Sex. It`s never what it was supposed to be.

What I love about sex is the way somebody holds you in their arms, the way they breathe down your neck, the way their eyes gaze over your body, the way how for just one night loneliness disappears into beer and orgasms. All wrapped in cellophane you fall asleep.

 

I hate this feeling of loneliness so much, I end up in a strangers bed on a regular basis.

Then there is the comebacks to people you once loved and there are the times you land in someone’s bed yet another time. But there is never the one that stays, that doesn’t let me go.

 

To wrap this up, my heart is still aching. Sitting here writing praying he thinks of me every now and then. Not knowing who he is supposed to be.

Not knowing who this person is, my heart is yearning for, but there is a yearning. Some time ago I was getting some coffee with my aunt, who has checked out my future with different mediums many times (a bit over the top, I know). We talked about boys and suddenly she said: “Yeah, your future husband he is American and strong. AMK said, there is an American man in your future.” My heart dropped, I never told anyone about this dream of mine to find my long lost love in Boston, it was my secret. Even though now, nothing in my life is a secret anymore, I post everything on this website.

But there was my aunt, just knowing. After that I talked to my mom, who is clairvoyant. She sees someone in my future too. American, strong arms, blonde. My queer ass was shocked as hell and obviously feeing into delusions some more. Eat up delusions.

 

So, I guess 13 year old Chiara must have had this dream for a reason and now I am sitting here in Boston, not taking any control and fully surrendering to the universe. Since I know that whatever is meant to happen will happen and things are outside of my control. I have the power over my decisions, but I do not have the control. Yet if nothing happens on this trip, I better get to a clinic, because something must be wrong with me in that case. I must be up on some schizophrenia shit, cause these delusions feel real as fuck.

Gonna get some weed now, ciao, a la prossima.

Wednesday, the 10th 2024

 

I think America is trying to kill me.

On Thursday I spent the entire day at the ER, thinking I was `bout to die.

When I was on my way home, drowsy from the fever and from not having eaten a single thing the entire day I had an epiphany:

 

I am not looking for love, love is looking for me.

 

Love is checking every corner, every store, every bar where I might be. Love is hunting me around town, catching little glimpses of me until it can finally rest in my arms. Love is turning around every stone, love is twisting and climbing mountains to see where I might be. Love is chasing me, not the other way around.

 

Don`t ask me how that epiphany came about while I was on my way home from the ER, but it came about. Love is looking for me.

I don`t have to worry, I just have to do what I do best: be alive.

 

The other day, I was strutting down North End, when the sudden urge to smoke some weed appeared. I entered a little park right at the end of North End and saw a women roughly my age smoking weed.

I don`t like smoking alone too much, so I went over and started talking to her.

Cut to two days later, we hang out all the time and have great fun. Weed really is a door opener. Legit all I said to her was: “hey can I smoke weed with you?”

So listen, I`m not tryna encourage you to smoke but maybe if you wanna have friends and be cool try it every now and than.

 

Interestingly enough, it was the first of July. Independence Day in America. Oh, how I love `Murcia. The fireworks, people the fucking fireworks, okay.

 

Believe me or not but these fireworks where legit the best fireworks I have ever seen in my life. They were huge and red and everything was America themed. I mean how do you america theme fucking fireworks?

 

These babies were red and white and blue and sprinkled, I was impressed.

 It turned out that this will be the turning moment for the main character, the moment where the main character (me) catches new hope and prosperity and realizes that this life is a fucking shit show. But it`s my fucking shit show.

 

In our twenties life changes so fast, you cannot possibly know or remember who you are. You are not the same person you were when you had lunch and you definitely will not be the same person at dinner. New hair, new me, new Job, new life, new friends, new countries. And that is good. Don`t hold onto past versions of you, let that shit go.

I heard that things slow down once you get to thirty and by forty you are supposedly going backwards but I don`t believe a single word of it. People just become more lazy as they get old, since things don`t feel as easy anymore. Things do not get slower, the human wants to slow down. It`s still the same fucking shit show. But it`s your goddamn fucking shit show.

 

Some days later, I made another friend right in the comfort of my own hostel.

“Do you want to smoke?” I asked them. “It would be an honor.” They awnsered. Cut to one day later and we sit at a fucking Red Sox game. Best. Fucking. Experience.

The Red Sox won (as they should) and we let the evening go with some drinks and some late night pasta.

 

Today, on Wednesday I finally went to Salem.

It was a one hour ferry ride from Boston to Salem and I took the best nap ever on that boat. I managed to find my way to a mall in Salem downtown in a café where I am sitting right now to write my column.

 

I gotta tell you, I didn`t find my big love yet and yes when I think of it I have to cry. What I did find though is myself, friendship, compassion, understanding, comedy and yes even love.

So what the fuck am I going outside looking for love, when you are looking for love look within. Since you know, I am the girl that walks around town looking at flowers, looking at bumblebees. Enjoying and taking life one at a time. I laugh at strangers and play with kids, look at every dog and count the dogs I see. I am the love I am looking for. What am I doing waiting for a fucking guy?

 

I got a Tarot Reading today. I read other peoples tarot too, so I love a good tarot reading. She said I protect myself too much, I can be sure in my power and let go of control. She said there is love and greatness and my big great love coming in with options even and all I need is patience.

 

After she read my tarot the tears got to me.

I left the store as my eyes watered up,  put on my sunglasses and walked faster to a little tree where I broke down crying.

 

I cried and cried and cried, letting it all go, letting it all go. The crying felt so good, like pounds of shit falling off my shoulders. I am free.

 

Suicide thoughts and plans have been a recent thing in my brain lately.

I felt as if it just doesn`t make any sense to continue living, was even pretty sober about it. It just felt like my time has come. The world is a mess and I will never be seen for who I am. Coming in this woman with her tarot cards, telling me that if I have just a little bit of faith, everything will be better than amazing. There goes another epiphany.

 I thought: “I don`t have to die, there is prosperity, there is future, there is hope. This broken part in me that has been hurting so bad, it is healing, it is growing back together. I just have to give it a minute to actually feel the healing.” It all came to me in one sitting like cleaning my window the bad thoughts jumped out. “I have done the work, I planted the seed, many things have happened, already. I am proud of myself. I have the self esteem, I have the love, I have the unbreakable will. All I need is patience and a deep, deep breath. Everything is perfect.” 

Well, welcome to the manic ride I call life.

 

 

I have no idea what I`m gonna do tomorrow.

How exciting.

Wednesday, the 17th July 2024

 

Logan Airport. Boston. Friday, the 12th of July. 12:21

 

Gate has not opened yet. I sit here in the waiting hall. Things are good. I have smoked one joint and ate one edible. Captain, do you copy? Captain?

 

Over.

 

Copy. Over.

Captain, thank god. I thought something happened. Over.

 

All is good. Over.

 

Where did my fear go?

 

…

Over.

 

Why should I know? Over.

 

Captain, the gate opens at 2 pm. It currently is 2 hours before that and I have been here for 2 hours in total. One person has been suspicious of me and two people moved away `cause I was smoking. I still have so much weed and do not know what to do with it. Should have given it to Desiree.

 

Over.

 

She would have liked that. Over.

 

Two different Cody`s have just been called out. I feel like they just say random names in those microphones.

 

I cried 3 times. Two times in New York on the sidewalk and one time in Boston sitting in front of a restaurant. I love America. You can just cry and no one gives a fuck. I can do what I want until someone stops me. But if you are being stopped. Run.

 

It`s a very sexist place.

 

I found that to be quite true. Man and Women have a weird connection here. Not necessarily friendly.

 

Also a very racist place.

 

I thought it was very open and very divers. I did not get in contact with any racist, so far to say. I think in Boston racism has no space. No place to grow. It get suffocated in it`s core.

 

I am guessing, you liked Boston.

 

Over.

 

Captain, I loved it. It was the literal best thing I have ever went to. Loved every second with it. Miss it already, want to get back as fast as I can.

 

You have been crying quite some times.

 

I found me Captain and quite literally, I also found you.

 

You finally managed to get a narrator voice. But why Captain?

 

Why would I know? I did not give you that name.

 

Captain.

 

So when yesterday you got lost in New York, you really effortlessly gave into the universe. Did not even get scared, you just followed around. You saw Brooklyn, the Hudson River from both sides, went to Times Square three times, smoked on the sidewalk many times, went to Manhattan and got a bunch of merchandise.

 

Sounds like a good fucking time.

 

You always have a good fucking time. You might not realize it but when you look back you will see. You know how to have fun.

 

Captain, are you flirting with me?

 

No.

 

Over.

 

 

Got some white sneakers.

 

So you look more American?

 

Jup.

 

Nerd.

 

Over.

Time will not pass.

 

Frankfurt, main Station, Saturday 10:09

 

I have successfully made it to Germany and have checked my bank account. Big mistake.

 

I manuvered myself into 6.000 Euros of Credit Card debts. Successfully. How am I gonna maneuver myself out of that? Getting a normal Job is not an option, since it drives me into a hardcore burnout every time. I cannot heal from that shit again. Ignoring it is not an option too. Not spending any money anymore is the plan. Living with my parents again, doing small jobs. More books. Maybe I can find a writers Job in America. I will send my column to some newspapers in America and apply for jobs that involve writing and writing only. Maybe it will magically work out. I will send my book to literary agencies in the USA and try to live the American dream. I am tired am I not? Fucking awfully tired. I have great ideas but they all go to waste. I feel like I could change but I could not. Changing again, desperatly chasing what I believe to be true. I am dead end broke. Never in my life have I been this broke. Maybe selling drugs would be an option. Maybe I could sell a kidney, my soul or perhaps my first born?

Captain, how is it going?

 

Over.

 

Very well, thank you.

 

Are you worried about our credit card debts?

 

Not at all.

 

I feel like I have no prosperity.

 

No where to go? You feel like this all the time.

 

Shall the curse of the evil gods hit whoever crosses me.

 

How was New York?

 

Fucking great.

 

Did you feel the American Dream?

 

Not really. I feel as if my heart is broken.

 

Your heart has been broken for some time now. You are still fixing it.

 

How dramatic.

 

How dramatic.

 

 

Over.

 

Captain, what if I just die?

 

I would miss you.

 

But why continue living? For what? It was my dream to go to Boston, done that. It was my dream to write a book, done that. It was my dream to be who I am right now. Now that I have achieved everything, why continue living? My big love isn’t gonna come around the corner like fucking Prince Charming to save me from my sad, broke, living over my expanses life. So for what should I continue living?

 

To spend a little more time with your niece. To cuddle your dog another time, to sit on the porch smoking some weed while looking at the clouds. To spend some more time with your friends, with your family. To be suprised by life yet another time.

 

Look Chiara, I know how you feel, you are not the first person to have this problem and you will certainly not be the last.

It just feels so useless, I cannot get out of this debt without having a burnout again.

 

So you`re gonna die at 90 with horrendous credit card depts. Do not believe money is what makes your life worthwhile. Do not believe your picture of self is limited.

 

I think about him all the time and when I think of him I have to cry. I think of all the fun we had hanging around with eachother, how nice it was to watch movies with him and to look in his eyes. God I fucking love his eyes.

 

You are going to be in Stuttgart for some time, you could give it another shot.

 

I can`t Captain, you know that.

 

Why?

 

Cause there are people out there who treat me better.

 

Like who?

 

Like me.

 

I think he is great, I like him. Do you go out there trying to find someone who is perfect? You believe these days anybody got no luggage? You just need to find someone who`s luggage fits your luggage in a way where you help eachother heal. Show him that you are still interested and see what is to come. What happened with you being polyamorous?

 

Everyone is poly these days.

 

Sounds like a party to me.

 

Over.

 

I just fucking cannot right now, what am I gonna do?

You take a deep breathe and another one and another one.  Do you believe in your writing skills?

 

Of course.

 

So proof it. Show me how much of a writer you are. You do know that you can make money with this? You do know that this column, your books, your art will grow into something really exciting and huge. Let the universe carry you and finish those book drafts. Don`t give up on sending queries. Focus on English writing, it suits you better. Trust me Americans fucking love you. Germany is too small for you, there is no place for you to grow. So is Italy. Your words don`t really affect them. You need a cheap place to live and you need to get into writing. Check out some more study courses and chase your dream.

 

What dream?

 

Of being successful in yourself. You know, nothing can shake you but yourself. Stay in lane brother, don`t forget who you are. Make a spell and do those book drafts. Do that the whole day. Apply, query, show them that you are there. Someone and shall they be as small as they can be will see you and bring you out there into the sun. You gotta put yourself out there and show what you can do. Fuck nursing, fuck all those jobs. Be a writer, show what you can do.

 

I am so fucking tired captain.

 

 

Well get used to it, a writer works at night. Follow us around, we got you and Chiara?

 

Yes Captain?

 

Travel yourself in some more debts, money spend on vacation is money invested.

 

Frankfurt, main station 12:31

 

I don`t know. I have so many responsibilities. I cannot possibly. Captain

 

Yes you can.

 

When will it be over?

 

Never. Kid you just gotta stick with it for a while. I know you are tired but it does not change a single thing.

 

I just don`t want to anymore. Why can I not leave this life when I want to?

 

Shut the fuck up man. You just need to have a little drink with your friends, have someone kiss your forehead and cuddle you to sleep. You can`t die because you are so close to something beautiful.

 

Just let me go Captain, let me go.

 

Never. For you I would bleed myself dry.

 

Wow, Coldplay fan?

 

Everyone is a fucking Coldplay fan. You are getting on my nerves. You are just tired and need a nap and some down time. You just got back from America and responsibilities jump in now. Maybe you should not have gone back to contact so fast.

 

But I felt lonely.

 

Yeah, WhatsApp is not gonna fix that feeling, neither is instagram or TikTok.

 

So what is gonna help?

 

Nothing, you gotta be okay with feeling lonely for some time until you don`t anymore. It`s not the end of the world.

 

Oh God, how much I would love it to be the end of the world.

 

Tuesday, 16th July 10:44, Musberg

 

I have to leave Captain, I cannot stay anymore Captain. There is no space for me here Captain.

 

What happened?

 

I cannot get a fucking single second here, my parents pick on me whenever they get the chance to. Expect me to be perfect all the time. I cannot stay here.

 

What if you stop taking these two so serious? Just so you would have a place to stay?

 

I would rather be under a bridge right now. The longer I am here, the worse my mental health gets.

 

They will be off on vacation soon. How about you go to a friend for some days?

 

I guess. I feel so motherfucking alone Captain. It`s too much. I have to die, this is not going anywhere.

 

Please, take a breath. I know how you are feeling and I understand it, take a deep breath.

 

It`s not fair. God has forgotten about me.

 

No, she hasn`t. God is working hard for you.

 

I don`t feel any of that, I just feel like a failure.

 

Take a deep breath.

 

11:55

 

Captain, oh Captain. Somebody fucking kill me please, will this ever be good?

 

Maybe you have to get out again? Did you think of just packing your bags and leaving?

 

Of course I thought of that. I want to go to America by train with my dog or anyhow, I just want to go back to Boston as fast as I can.

 

But?

 

I have 4 thousand Euros depts.

 

Well, that was 6 thousand two days ago. Way to go!

 

I am trapped right here where I am.

 

No you are not.

 

Yes I am.

 

You feel trapped but trust me you are not.

 

How can I get out of here?

 

Do some more art, you will be suprised what comes out of it if you stick with it.

 

This has never worked, people don`t want to pay for art, they don`t like paying their artists. They want everything for free.

 

 

Except for the ones that pay absurd high amounts for it. Take a deep breath. Trust me, soon you will be out of here and never look back again.

 

Wednesday, the 24th of July 2024

 

Thursday, the 18^th of July, 00:24

 

Oh Captain, my Captain.

 

What is up Chiara?

 

I saw him today; Captain I fear I have to let him go.

 

Why?

 

I am not good for him.

 

Surely that is his job to decide.

 

We cannot be together Captain.

 

Why not?

 

I have no idea where I am gonna be and long distance is not an option.

 

Oh, you kids love to break your own heart.

 

Why can`t I just let him go, let him move on, fall in love with someone new?

 

Maybe because you love him and maybe, because that is absolutely normal.

 

But he says he wants me to fall in love and have a new life.

 

He is lying. He wants a clear sign that you are out of his life, he has trouble letting you go. His heart wants you closer, his head wants you farther away. So very normal.

 

I want to start again in a new city, blank paper, new start.

 

But?

 

I don`t want to go alone. I don`t want to leave Stuttgart by myself.

 

And you dream of him moving with you?

 

Obviously.

 

Well. You do not have control over that, not even a single bit of control. That is his choice to make and any manipulation you put in there is toxic. All you can do is offer.

 

I like him Captain, he is so pretty, and I want him to hold me.

 

He is very pretty. Why do you not want to let him go?

 

Because he has never shown any signs of actually being bad for me.

 

It is as if, he is perfect, and you are crazy, so you have to prove to yourself that you are the problem?

 

Yes.

 

Sound familiar?

 

Yes.

 

Do you want to talk about your parents for a second?

No.

 

Do you want to talk about Jesus, our lord and savior?

 

Sure, captain.

 

Jesus had a wife, Maria Magdalena, and she inspired Jesus so greatly that even his theory of loving one another unconditionally was actually her theory. She wrote stories and was very much of an artist.

 

Why did she not get crucified and celebrated as a hero? Was the time specifically sexist?

 

The time yes, the place not so much. Women were actually the head of the family and protected them from harm, the men were more or less there for the heavy housework. But Christianity is quite sexist. They could never have chosen a woman as their savior.

 

Sad.

 

Very sad. None of them was white too. Do you know those statues of Maria with blonde hair?

 

Yes.

 

Lies, all lies.

 

I hate lies.

 

Then why do you lie to yourself?

 

How am I lying to myself?

 

Let us start with all these internalized errors, if you see yourself, what do you see?

 

A little broken girl in a pretty dress.

 

Is she deserving of love?

 

She deserves the entire world.

 

What if I tell you, that you actually are a warrior. What if I tell you, that you are not crying at all but smiling? What if I tell you, that your inner child maybe bend but not broken. What if I tell you, that your biggest problem is your insufferable fear of pain, failure and abandonment? You are not alone Chiara, you will never be, even if you try. You are not ever alone.

 

What can I do to feel like the warrior and not like the child?

 

You heal.

 

So, what about him now, should I keep on seeing him?

 

How about you do nothing, realize you have the power and give the control over to him. It will do good for both of you. His true nature will reveal thyself soon enough.

 

And what if he doesn`t do anything?

 

He will leave your life the same way he came in, from one day to the other. You can trust him; he is an adult. You were actually very clear and well, so was he. You just did not want to hear the truth. What you need is to focus on your job and your career, everything else will happen completely natural. It is the pride parade this weekend, maybe you will find a girlfriend? What is not meant for you, will leave and what is meant for you, will stay. Trust me baby.

 

Thank you, Captain.

 

Don`t thank me for a good time. Say this affirmation when you feel the insecurity coming up again: “I have the power over my reality, I let go of control and give into the universe. I trust in the process and welcome life with a smile. I allow to leave what is not meant for me. I am ready to receive all my blessings.” Lean back my love, we will handle things from now on. I know life has been hard and you were forced to take control from a very young age, but it`s over now. You are an adult and are living a life you created, trust your process, trust your intuition.

 

How often do I have to hear this?

 

Until you understand. Chiara tell me, how was it to see him?

 

Very nice Captain, I like him so much.

 

That delights me, I am happy you found someone whose company you enjoy.

 

Musberg, Friday the 19^th July, 00:12

 

He broke my heart, Captain.

 

I know baby.

 

He said I should go to therapy. He knows the old me and wants to keep me the way he met me. Broken and sad. Captain, I am in pain.

 

Well, to be fair, he did send you a lot of signs that he is not on your level, he send you many signs that he is very far below you. Yet still you came back to him many, many times.

 

You told me that he was a nice guy.

 

His soul is kind, he is scared. Let him be scared.

 

I think he did it on purpose so I would leave, he knew I can`t let go and did it for me.

 

So, he did you a favor by disrespecting you and he did that because he is so kindhearted?

 

Voice breaking Yes.

 

Chiara, get in reality, he is not a saint, he is an idiot. He is ghosting you; he did not react to your messages. All he had to say was that he is sorry and that he wishes you the best. But he decided on ghosting you.

 

Breaks my heart so fucking much, Captain. He is just like everybody else. I am so disappointed.

 

He is emotionally very immature Chiara. Let it go, leave him in the past and let go. Hakuna Matata. He is an expert in making you feel crazy, not because he is in particular smart but because that is who he is. You are much better off without someone who ghosts you after telling you the most fucked up thing ever.

 

If you put it like that, Captain. Smiling brightly I am happy he is gone.

 

How is your book coming along?

 

I am at September 2023, right when the shit with my parents started.

 

You mean when you started to waking up to it?

 

Yeah, I guess.

 

Sounds like you are growing up emotionally. You are reflecting on your growth. You can detect bullshit from a mile now.

 

Yes. Good that this fucker is gone.

 

Do you wanna smash his face in?

 

Nodding, looking away absently Yeah.

 

It will pass. Just like the love for him; it will pass.

And he will be left wondering if he can ever find someone who loved him as much and as honest as you loved him. Just when he has figured out that there is no one who will, you will have forgotten every last specter about him.

 

He has destroyed us, Captain.

 

It wasn`t the first time you experienced this, there were some exes before just like him. He is really not that special, he is just a guy. Be happy that he is gone.

 

Can I confront them?

 

The confrontation is why they are ghosting you. He is scared of feelings.

 

Poor little baby. But he says I am the one who needs “real” therapy. What a fucking loser.

 

Nodding proudly There we go, Chiara that`s the right mindset. Now let it go and write your book. Move on, this is by far not the worst thing that has happened to you.

 

Amen.

 

Amen.

 

Friday, the 19^th of July

 

I am tired of conditional love Captain.

 

Did you mean guilt?

 

Is it not hate Captain?

 

It`s guilt. They cannot deal with guilt and are forced to hurt you.

 

What forced them to hurt me?

 

Right question is who forced them to hurt you and the answer is: Themselves. Pay close attention to the way people make you react. You reaction is your superpower. But that is very specific to your personality type Chiara.

 

Captain, what is a personality type?

 

It is all those things. All those zodiac sings, those NFTP, IFTP, the colors, the shapes, the human design charts. It is all those attempts of explaining human behavior.

 

Does it also explain the behavior of animals?

 

Some do, some don`t. You cannot possibly measure an animal by the amount of housework they complete.

 

I would love it if my dog would start vacuuming. Would help a lot with the hairs.

 

Well.

 

Over.

 

Over.

 

Friday, the 19^th of July, 4:04

 

Captain?

 

Yes?

 

Are you God?

 

Very shocked, over the top shocked. That is blasphemy.

 

But are you God?

 

What makes you think that?

 

The witch in Salem told me I would get a direct connection to God, and do you know that book, “letters with God”, where that white dude talks to God for like eight hundred pages?

 

I remember some letter, yes.

 

So…

 

Yes?

 

Are you god?

 

You have to be more specific.

 

Are you, holding finger guns my brain?

 

No.

 

Are you in my brain?

 

I am in your hands at most.

 

That is creepy Captain. Is hell real?

 

Is heaven?

 

I once had Sex in a church, will I get to hell for that?

 

No but maybe to prison.

 

Delighted I could finally get a face tattoo.

 

When you are in prison?

 

When I was in prison. I am not gonna get a tattoo in prison, there could be God- knows- what in the color.

 

Squinting the eyes, suspiciously Something magnetic, that would get ripped out of your skin during an MRI Scan?

 

You are my brain!

 

No.

 

Confused But that is exactly what I always say.

 

I know you very well Chiara. It is almost ridiculous.

 

I want to get a new name.

 

What do you want your name to be?

 

Standing on a chair, proud Gloria. Or maybe Giulia. Maybe Rosa.

 

Do you want to start new?

 

Sitting back down, humbled. Yes.

 

Completely reinvent yourself and never look back again, much?

 

Captain, you understand me.

 

Like I said, I know you very well.

 

So, are you God?

 

Are you human?

 

Are you, Captain?

 

No. And you?

 

Crisis incoming I assume. I have a belly button, that makes me human, right?

 

That just proves that you are a mammal. Try again.

 

I have feelings and am conscious about my feelings.

 

Animals have feelings. Try again.

 

I can lie for my personal benefit. That is pretty human.

 

That is indeed very human. Though I have met and worked with beings that lie. Not animals, not human, but they most certainly lie.

 

Suspicious Are you Art Lei 2?

 

No.

 

It is a mandatory question, Captain.

 

Obviously.

 

Wait, what work?

 

Work.

 

What kind of work, Captain?

 

I don`t really work much these days, mostly I hang around in Costa Rica.

 

What year?

 

2054.

 

I will be 56 in 2054.

 

I know, Gloria.

 

Gloria is a good name for a new start.

 

So is Rosa, Giulia not so much. That is very much a name parents give you.

 

Amen, Captain, Amen.

 

Friday, 11:09 pm

 

How is your heart, Chiara?

 

Still hurting. He is ghosting me.

 

How does that make you feel?

 

Like I was worth nothing to him, like everything he ever said to me was straight up lies. Like not one single word out of his mouth was the truth. Every I love you, every I am there for you. It was all just lies.

 

It will pass.

 

Captain, can you tell me something about the reason of life?

 

Yes.

 

Monday, 9:56 pm

 

Oh Captain, my Captain.

 

Good morning.

 

Did you just get up Captain?

 

I never get down.

 

Captain, am I on the right way?

 

How would I know?

 

I don`t know, you tell me.

 

What did you have for dinner?

 

Lukewarm Ebli Salad with Tuna and Brokkoli, Lentils, avocado and mushrooms. Tossed some joghurt in there and some Lemon.

 

Sounds delicious.

 

After that I had two cookies and a little bit of chocolate. Maybe I will have another cookie.

 

...

 

I just had another cookie.

 

How is the book coming?

 

I am on January 31 first.

 

Wow, you got very far. Only five more months to go!

 

Well after that I have to overwork it one more time and hope that everything is set. Then I have to create the cover and wait for the sales to go up. Then I have to write publishers and wait for someone to publish it.

 

Sounds exhausting.

 

If I look at it like that, yes. But if I look at it from a different angle it is just 5 things to do. I can do five things.

 

How are your feelings going?

 

It has been a lot, overworking the columns again has pulled them all back to the surface. I am currently there where I met him and I wonder, if maybe he was a nice guy .

 

Not this again, please, not this again. It´s over. Be grateful he was not your soulmate. He was not the person you are supposed to end up with. Be happy! You get to experience it all again. Meeting someone, getting to know them, first dates, first kiss, first look, first Sex. All those great first times you will experience again.

 

Sounds nice and that with someone different.

 

Exactly, was it really so nice with him?

 

Could be better.

 

Can we stop talking about boys now, please, for the love of god?

 

Today, Captain, I realized that I was the love I was looking for all this time.

 

Never look outside for love, look within.

 

I have a little writers block right now.

 

Maybe you should take some time off writing, just for one night.

 

I just came off a break, it is Monday, I didn’t do anything on the weekend.

 

Last time I checked, on Friday, you were on September last year. You copied, pasted and formatted at least eight columns in your weekend. Is that really nothing? I think you are doing a great job.

 

I deserve a break.

 

Rolling their eyes You never deserve a break. A break is free to take whenever you need it. Even if you just started, even if it is only one last step and you’re done. Take a break whenever you need it.

 

You are right captain.

 

Now put this macbook away and watch stranger things. Take a damn break.

 

Tuesday, 10:52 PM

 

Chiara, when will you come back to reality?

 

What do you mean Captain?

 

Come back, Chiara. You are spending your time doing something all the time. You said you would take a break, but you didn`t, you said you will feel, but you don`t. You are constantly up to something. Did you forget who you are again?

 

I am scared, Captain.

 

Of what?

 

Of my fucking future.

 

Than take control.

 

I don`t need control, I have the power.

 

Well, in that case, what are you scared of?

 

Of things not working out for me.

 

Meaning, you are not scared, you are losing faith?

 

You got it Captain.

 

What if I tell you, that everything is working out in your favor?

 

I would have to believe you.

 

You got this. Enjoy the pride parade this weekend, be gay, be happy and  move on. By Monday I want you and Hepa out of Stuttgart. End of discussion.

 

Ay, ay Captain!

 

I can`t hear you.

 

AY AY CAPTAIN!

 

Wednesday, 00:01

 

Captain?

 

Chiara?

 

Can you promise me something?

 

Anything.

 

Can you stay?

 

I promise.

 

Captain?

 

Yes?

 

Do you want some pancakes?

 

eyes watering up I would love some pancakes.